amw

I'm feeling kinda sick right now. Sunday i packed up most of my belongings that are actually mine and today i've packed a random collection of odds and ends. J's already done most of her shit. What's left is a ton of kitchen shit, my pictures, and more shared odds and ends. I actually tried to get rid of a bunch of stuff before this move but i still have way too much. Books and comics i've read once and will never read again. DVDs i've watched a couple times but would now rather watch on Netflix or download because it's just more convenient. Ornaments that mean nothing to me but i feel i ought to keep because they were gifts. Other ornaments i picked up along the way that just exist to fill gaps on shelves i never look at anyway. Christmas and Halloween stuff that i love when it's that time of year but is just a waste of space otherwise. I just want to get rid of it all.

I'm also feeling sick because i had a $1500 credit card bill due to buying Ableton and taking J out for her graduation last month, and this weekend i spent another $1200 on a dresser and two bedside tables. Fucking, oh my God. I had just hit that point in the store where i was like, i am too tired to go on, i know we need a dresser because i've been living out of a suitcase for three years, i don't want a cheap shitty one that will fall apart, so fucking whatever. But i hate spending money on this shit. $1200 on a trip somewhere, sure, that's a memory i'll have forever, but a piece of furniture? And one that isn't really mine because like everything you go shopping for as a couple it's really kinda sorta "ours"? Fucking hell. Thursday the movers come, and that'll be another $500 or something. That's a cost i'm happy to pay because i've done enough moves to know i never want to move myself, but all this money flying out of my wallet adds up. I can afford it, but i hate scrambling for cash when i had six months or so without worries. I feel trapped again.

Last week i was so stressed out i messaged a friend to go out for drinks because i needed to talk so badly. Next thing i know it's 5am and i'm in her condo with a straight rum in one hand and half a glass of Guinness in the other. And i don't even like Guinness. Needless to say we both called in sick and i had a super-seedy Thursday that felt like Sunday came early. I probably needed it because it let me have a quiet Friday evening and an exhausting Saturday of going to hardware stores and furniture stores to spend all my money on domestic shit. Even Saturday night i was fairly well-behaved, insofar as i still made it home to pack Sunday afternoon. This coming week is all about packing and moving and unpacking and shit too. Blar. It's not the move itself that's getting to me - that shit is just part of life - it's the money and feeling like i can't do what i want to do. There's other stuff too, but too tired to go into it all right now.

Guess i should get some sleep so i can keep kicking ass at work. Maybe tomorrow i won't be so busy i forget my therapy appointment like i did two weeks ago. Maybe i should just give up on it because it's too fucking expensive and i'd rather take time off work to have fun than to talk about the same old things that'll never get fixed. It might be time to admit my neuroses are here to stay.

Shit has been hectic. I left off where we were hanging out waiting for approval for an apartment. I got a call back only to hear them tell me that i would need to get a guarantor due to the fact that i have only been working in my current position for 8 months. Seriously? My freelance work beforehand doesn't count? They had enough information on me anyways i had no qualms about offering up my tax return for last year that shows i made above the median salary, but no dice. I even told them i had enough cash in the bank to pay for the entire year (i've been saving mercilessly since getting work so that i have a safety net), but that wouldn't fly either unless i gave them the entire year (!) up-front. It was beyond humiliating to be treated like a credit risk when i've been paying my own way for the better part of 15 years. I was absolutely infuriated and it took everything i had not to scream down the phone at them. J just wanted to let the place go, but then i got scared because i guessed this had less to do with my time in my current position and more to do with my lack of a credit history in Canada. I didn't want to end up with the same problem again a couple weeks later at a new place. After a lot of push-back from me, eventually i relented to letting J's dad sign up as a guarantor. I still feel sick to the stomach over that because now it's yet another person i'm on the hook to, and yet more obligation i have to someone when all i want is to be free. We got the place, so i guess i shouldn't be upset. I'm just trying to push away that sense of being beholden to J's family and the utter humiliation of being told my "1%" salary isn't good enough to rent a $1200 apartment. To add insult to injury, i got a promotion the day before i signed as well.

Admittedly the promotion isn't really a promotion in the way most people would see it. Since our manager left our team has felt a little aimless, and our director is too far removed to really provide the day-to-day guidance we need. He talked about promoting a team lead a while back, and i recommended someone who's been with the company for a while and has a lot of respect in the team. It seems negotiations with that person fell through because they weren't offering shit for money, so the next choice was me. My guess is he is on the verge of quitting anyway. I, on the other hand, had resolved to stay here a while before moving on, so taking a promotion with fuck all salary bump was worthwhile. It looks good on my resume, and if i can improve the work experience of the team too then that's a bonus. I'm trying to get them a bit more on the same page and talk to the director about the things that are bothering them that they won't raise with him themselves. So i'm doing a bunch more work for not even a 10% pay raise. But whatever. At least i'm back in the 90s club again.

So i am exhausted. Work is kicking my ass. J has finished school and is looking for work, and also trying to coordinate all the move stuff to take the pressure off me. That's kinda hard because i like to be in control when it comes to this kind of thing, but i'm doing my best to just let go. Our house is full of boxes and bags of trash. I'm purging shit again because i feel so weighed down and trapped right now. Moving is always a good opportunity to get rid of stuff that you never use or don't care about. I've learned to be a bit more careful about throwing out things that are memories (i did a lot of that when i was a teenager, and regretted it), but there is a balance too. The more shit i own, the less free i feel, and the less free i feel, the less happy i am. I like the sense that if it all came down to it i could pack my shit up in storage and just leave on no notice. I might never actually do it, but i want to feel like i could. Without that i feel stuck and i get anxious and depressed.

My weekends are my "free" times. Now i have a little group of friends i'm going out pretty much every weekend, for at least one night, sometimes two. It does mean less time at home with J, but it also means i'm doing stuff i really enjoy and i've missed so desperately for so long. I'm discovering so much new music, getting to dance and laugh and act the fool in ways that i can't always do with her, and it makes up for feeling so stressed during the week. I still love her very much and love spending time with her, but it's another balancing exercise. I don't know if i can live that life where all i have is my partner, i think i've fallen into that at times before and it didn't work out well. Also i hate couples stuff. And family stuff. Cooking dinner together and kicking back to watch Netflix or chat about our day, that sort of thing makes me happy and that's all i want. I hope it's enough for her too.

There's lots more little interesting and insightful stuff that's happened in the last few weeks, but everything has been so crazy i've kinda lost track. It's all i can do to keep my life balanced how it is. But as frenetic and exhausting as my life is right now, i'd rather have it this way than the painful dullness that left me way too wrapped up in my own head like the last couple years. I know i'm neglecting some of my friends and family who aren't close by, but i hope they get that this is keeping me more together than i've been in a while. Haven't burned out yet. Maybe i'm slowly getting the hang of this. Or maybe it'll all come apart in tears, but at least it'll be a fun ride.

There were some very absurd drunk texts in my phone Friday morning. From me to others, that is. I don't even recall sending them. It was yet another of those nights that was supposed to be a quick after work sesh and turned into a total shit show. But Friday i had to work, so i struggled in late, and left early, because J and i were visiting an apartment. Last week sucked ass for that. I rushed around like crazy and also left early Tuesday to get an application in, then heard Wednesday the place we had applied for had been taken in between the time i dropped off my application with the super and the real estate guy getting it in his hand. Fortunately there were two other units in the building, but J wasn't keen due to them having a view of the cemetery. We talked about it and viewed one (again) Friday before deciding to go for it anyway, but of course now there may be other people who have put in applications ahead of us. I just want it to end. I was a cranky bitch this week due to all the personal phone calls i had to make from work, lost lunches and early exits. I don't like crossing my work and home life, and i feel particularly awkward and guilty whenever i am on the phone (or internet) for non-work-related stuff in the office. Though i will admit that a random personal text i received late Friday morning was completely hilarious and made my day.

Friday night was a one-year anniversary gig for a party i've been going to for the last six months or so. It was a blast, and it made me happy realizing how many people i've met since i started going out regularly again. Briefly stopped into a bizarre afterhours (not for the techno/rave crowd AT ALL) before kicking back listening to tunes at a friend's. I still made it home by 10, which was probably a wise move because i had (early) class at 3:30. Unfortunately my buddy who i'm doing my class with hadn't recovered from the night so i flew solo, which sucks for her because there was a lot to absorb. Learned some really cool workflow concepts, which is exactly what i need the class for. I sense other people are struggling because they don't have a background in writing music. They don't know how effects or synths or samples work, so they have that barrier on top of learning the software, but for me just learning the software it's really productive. Due to my friend not being there we didn't have our usual post-class jam session, which was a bit of a bummer, but i spent the rest of the weekend at home just mucking around. It is so time-consuming for me to piece this stuff together now, but at least i'm working on it. I'm sure i'll be able to get tracks together quicker again if i keep practicing.

I was going to write more, but J is home and we are both hungry. Time to cook dinner and then bed and more work. And more nail-biting to see if we got the place. Sigh.

Last weekend i threw caution to the wind and went out to a gig i was really looking forward to. It was only local DJs, but they were all DJs i've grown to really enjoy over the past few years here, and they didn't disappoint. It was wonderful to bump into so many people i've seen before, to have little chats and exchange updates, dance together and enjoy this music we love. I stayed out much too late and didn't get a whole lot of sleep before Monday morning hit. Work was a drag, but i did feel better. Tuesday it all caught up to me and i ended up feeling as sick as i did the Friday before. I continue to be sick, but hopefully a good long sleep tonight will fix that.

It's nice to have a three-day weekend ahead. I'm a little bummed that Canada doesn't give you Easter Monday off like Australia, but i'll live. Apparently in Buffalo they have grand Dyngus Day festivities, which is the first i've heard of it outside of quit's journal. Speaking of dead cities, J is going to Detroit for the weekend. Somehow i thought i'd be the first one to go visit, if not for DEMF then just out of curiosity. Instead i will bum around here, watch TV, all that. I should be partying hard because i have a "free" weekend, but there's not much going on. Well, not much besides Sonny Fodera from Australia, but he's playing a club and i just can't get excited about that having mostly done afterhours and raves lately.

We are looking for a new apartment. It's time. I've gone back and forth on it because J's student loan has run out and because i earn too much and we're married she's not eligible for another one (or unemployment benefits for that matter). Fucking bullshit laws forcing codependence on people. But anyway. With my salary i could certainly afford a bigger place on my own, but we don't want to go too crazy in case her first job is part-time or minimum wage. Neither of us want that imbalance. So yeah, it's tough to find a one-bedroom place here that is larger than 600 square foot and less than $1200. And looking for apartments is so, so fucking draining. Even worse when you're sick. I hate doing personal stuff at work too. I felt so guilty today leaving at 3:30 to view a place, even having told my boss in advance. The place was alright - i've seen it before because a friend lives in the building. The only real downside is that the kitchen has literally about 2 feet of counter space, most of which would presumably be taken up by a drying rack. Unfortunately kitchens don't seem to be a priority in apartment buildings here. I love cooking too much to give it up, though. Tonight i started looking for islands, but that's a whole mission in itself because most are custom-built and cost a fortune. But back to the apartment, it'd be really freakin weird to live in the same building as a friend. I think about awkward scenarios like where i'd go to an afterparty - and sometimes i deliberately don't go home because i'm wasted and don't want to subject J to my nonsense - but then actually just be a couple floors away from my actual home. Or, like, calling a friend to drop by and you're there in 30 seconds. I've never had that before and it feels odd. It's not unheard-of, though, because i've known people (colleagues and friends) who share the same apartment and it's no big deal. Hum.

In other news, Dirk Gently is thoroughly hilarious. I rarely watch shows where people drink tea, and even more rarely am i actually drinking tea myself at that same instant, so henceforth i shall deem it my sick show. This, plus Netflix, which i ordered last week, may just nurse me back to health. And if i'm not healthy i will ignore it and still go to my Ableton class and have some beers Saturday because that shit is just too much fun. Love writing music again.

Extremely scattered entry, i know. I shall blame it on the cold.

I hate being sick. I hate taking sick days. The worst thing is i've been so frustrated and stressed out at work that i would love a day off... but not one with a splitting headache and throatache and nose constantly running. I did watch Tintin, though, and that was fun.

I love getting home at 3:30 and being able to chuck some bacon on, drink a coffee, chill out. I am drunk, though not so ridiculously drunk i can't type, yet still too drunk to sleep until i've had a bit of food and drink. These are the times i really miss being single, or at least having my own place. J is away at her parents' house tonight, which was an unexpected surprise. I wasn't even intending to stay out late. My work had a gaming night as a social club thing and afterwards, because i'd received the text message about J not coming home, i decided to go out. Drinking to last call and heading home at 3 isn't really much compared to my more extravagant weekend escapades, but nonetheless, it's more than i do most weeknights. And it is SO nice to not feel guilty about stumbling in the front door and hanging out on my computer before i go to bed.

Last weekend a friend and i decided to go on an Ableton course. I've been on and off with trying to make music since around 99ish, and there are times i've gotten so frustrated and depressed that i can't seem to come up with anything any more. I've blamed it on everything from starting full-time work to deciding i was transsexual and it all sounds like weak excuses. And yet i continue to do nothing, even though making music was one of the things that made me happiest as a teenager. I'm hoping that taking a course is going to inspire me to pick it up again. I know i could learn all this software on my own if i really tried, but even when i had 18 months off work i couldn't do it, so perhaps just having the weekly commitment is something that will push me to the point i need to be. It'd also be cool to work together with someone for the first time in my life. M and i have slightly different tastes in music and definitely different ideas on how to approach composing, but i think it'll be kinda cool to see how that works. First day is tomorrow, so hopefully i won't be too hungover.

The other thing i've been considering is moving out of this place. At first i didn't want to do it because from next month i'll be paying full rent due to J's student loan running out. That'll already be a double rent hike for me, so going higher again seems kinda silly. On the other hand, we're only paying $800 per month at the moment, which is ridiculously low considering we get gas/electric included and the place is relatively large for a one bedroom. The thing is... our landlord is still hopeless. We only paid February's rent a few days ago because although we had the check she just wasn't around to accept it all month. The fan in our bathroom is still broken. The key to open the front door is jamming. When we rent cars she says we can park in the driveway, but she's also promised the driveway to a bunch of neighbors who live up and down the street so they get pissy and leave abusive notes on our windshield if we take "their" spots. Fuck, we don't always get hot water because the people upstairs (who share our tank) are showering or washing dishes or doing laundry. And worst of all, we can't do our own fucking laundry any more because the laundromat on the corner closed down. I had to rent a car last week just to drive to the laundromat. Fucking ugh. So yeah, it's time.

Unfortunately it's also a tough time because J is crazy busy with school, and last weekend her grandmother had a heart attack. She's been going up and down all week in a rental, staying at the hospital and this and that. I'm doing my best to be supportive for her, even though it's hard for me because my family isn't close like that so i'm not really able to empathize. Also my work continues to be filled with politics and bullshit and it is stressing me out and making me so angry all i want to do is fly away. Of course i keep at it because i'm good at it and i need the money and without it i wouldn't be able to enjoy the rest of my life, but it is taking a serious toll. Not an easy time to look for a new place, but i guess no time ever will be. So whatever.

Anywho. 4am. Should probably sleep considering i'm supposed to be going to a course tomorrow, and actually one that i really want to do. So i will shut up now. So much more to talk about, but it's stuff i'd rather talk about than journal about. Miss my friends, though happy i'm getting a few here now too. I do need to smoke less however. Especially on the weekend. Fuck me.

It occurred to me Sunday afternoon that ever since i started full-time work i have let a lot of things go that were just too much of a pain in the ass to get done. I resolved to start on it this week, but now it's all already done with much less effort than i expected. I paid all my bills Sunday night. Today i refilled my meds, canceled my Australian credit card, changed my Australian bank account to one that "only" charges $5 per month in fees, and transferred ~$60 credit out of my other (already-canceled) Australian credit card into my account. And i ordered contact lenses. I did have to spend a bunch of time on the phone, but it's totally worth it to know i don't have any more of these shit jobs outstanding. Just have the 2011 taxes to go.

I really should kick my ass into doing the other freelance work i said i was going to continue part-time once i started working here. But ugh, not quite there yet. The last month or two, basically ever since those policy changes happened, work has been extremely draining. It's not the work itself so much as the energy there right now. As a result on the weekends i'm going harder than ever to just unwind from it all, but that's leaving me with no free time to do "normal" shit, and leaving me kinda frazzled for the week too. Vicious circle. I need another vacation.

It was revealed last week that my manager was quitting, and his last day is this Friday. You know, just to make sure the office stays as shook up as it can. To be honest i wasn't surprised in the slightest, but it still sucks. They won't be hiring anyone new for the position this quarter - if it all - either. Flashbacks to the place i worked at back in 2006, for real. Trying not to think about shitty times from the past.

I got money. That's the main thing. J will be done with college soon and completely broke, like zero income, so i'm glad i can help out till she finds work (or longer if she decides to go on to university). And i'm glad i can afford to not worry about bills. Or weekends. And i'm even putting away some savings too. So life is good, on that front at least. Did i mention i got my hair done a couple weeks ago? By a guy i met clubbing, no less. Yay techno music.

Historically this has been a pretty shitty time of year for me, but now in 2012 i'm so busy i haven't really had time to fret about much of anything. Work is nuts. It's still kinda awkward sometimes because of the policy changes going down and people seem kinda nervous, but we're doing tight schedules and putting in a lot of features. The last two weeks have been a little less busy due to a more QA-focused cycle, but that is draining in itself because you go from nothing to do to critical big fix to back to nothing. I can't complain. In the evenings i'm just tired and i'm pretty much just making dinner and hanging out watching TV or whatever.

I've finally reclaimed my weekends, which is great. Not that anything in particular had been taking them away, aside from lack of money. I'm going out a lot, which i've missed so much. Making up for lost time. It's been nice to make more friends here, some of whom i can hang out with outside of parties, and others i just see as familiar faces on the night who come and say hi and share a smoke or a drink. Two weekends ago was Family Day, which was a three-day weekend. J was at a thing all weekend so i headed out every night. Made sure not to go too hard the first two nights so i still had something in reserve for Sunday, which was great because the party was ridiculous good. I've made friends with a local DJ who also happens to play music i really enjoy, so i'm becoming a bit of a groupie at his events. I am really digging the underground/afterhours scene here. I never really experienced it in Europe or Australia where they don't have a last call, so most gigs were held at upstanding establishments. Here there are a lot more warehouse/loft parties that are invitation-only and "secret" rave venues (that i'm sure everyone including the cops know about, but don't care). It's a lot of fun, and feels kinda special because it's so intimate.

This weekend just gone i headed out briefly for a birthday party Friday and then for a club-hopping two-gig affair Saturday. The first one was held at a regular bar, with all the regular bar crowd, and it was kinda deflating after all the underground gigs i've been to - even with Jason Hodges headlining. Still, i got my dance on and then headed to the afterhours. Unfortunately the venue they had lined up was more cramped than some of the others i've been to, and the crowd has started to pull some of the angry/sleazy techno types that i tend to go to these things precisely to get away from, so it wasn't the best night out. Still, there were some good tunes, a lot of new stuff that i've never been exposed to. I'm loving getting back into techno again (as opposed to house/psytrance/whatever). I still can't really get into the hard banging techno, but there are some guys here who are doing some wonderful deep and mellow stuff that makes me really happy. Of course when people like my friend G pull out the jackin or deep house it's a whole nother level of awesome.

I got invited to a big drum'n'bass party in a couple weeks. Somehow i still can't bring myself to get excited, even if friends are going. I can deal with a bit of jungle at home, but i've never enjoyed it at parties, certainly not all night long. Fucking relentless snare drums. Also i think i'm too old to dance at 160bpm. I'm not entirely sure how 6-7 years ago i'd bounce around to hard house at the same tempo. Kinda sucks having your body get old on you. Still, there's nothing as wonderful as coming home after a gig where you've been grooving for 6+ hours straight. After the Family Day jam i was hurting for days, and i loved it.

And that's my life. Work work work. Party. Plus all the homey things like chores and dinner and snuggling. I've become very slack with my medication, but eh. My sister landed in Denver last night to meet with her internet boyfriend. She is very strongly considering moving to the US to marry him. I've heard Seattle and NYC mentioned. We shall see how it goes. I wish she'd be more open about where the fuck she's going to be over the next 90 days so i can actually go see her (and her boy). Not to mention my dad who landed in NYC over the weekend without any warning. Doesn't he realize it's an hour flight and only a few hundred dollars away? Even if i only met him for dinner and spent the rest of the weekend bumming around the city on my own it would've been worth it. Freakin lame ass family i have. This is why i'm not really close to any of them - not even through much fault of my own. Bleh. At least i have J. And my LJ ;-)

I enjoyed last weekend. After a relatively quiet one last week, this week i decided to do something to remind myself i was 32 but still young at heart. There wasn't anything big going on, but there was a local gig that i've enjoyed the vibe of in the past. For the very first time since i moved to Canada, i actually met up with someone before the party and did not go alone. I headed over to M's place for the evening, chilled for a while and then hit the gig. It was perhaps a little more techno-y than i would've liked, but overall i did enjoy it. One of the things i really like about this crew is that they are playing a lot of new music, but with a very throwback sound. Like from back in the days before even i started going out when there was less of a stark divide between house and techno. The music is "minimal" in the sense of being very spare, but not all clicks and beeps like minimal-the-genre. It's heavy on the bass and melody, with a good groove and some nice riffs to hang on to. I don't know what i'd call the genre, but i like it. I need to spend more time finding out about music again. It's been years since i bought any music, and the most recent electronic stuff i know is mid/late 2000s, which is a lifetime ago in this scene.

After the party we kicked back to her place and met up with D, who had been spinning at a different gig. Pretty much chilled all day listening to music and chatting and laughing at internet videos. It was a really nice time, and man oh man i've missed having people to talk to like this. Also having people who are really fucking into the music and can name a hundred tracks i've never heard of that are all great. I have to get me a Soundcloud account. And maybe spend some of my hard-earned cash on tunes, or something less shitty to listen to sets on than laptop speakers.

Of course, as i get more into the scene here, i am getting more and more invites. As it was most of my Facebook was just party invites and promoter updates, but with every new person i add who is a promoter or DJ it just gets more ridiculous. On the other hand, it also lets me find out about more cool events that aren't otherwise publicized. The problem is weekends like the coming one where there are five fucking events i'm interested in on Sunday (Monday is a holiday). And various people i know will be going to different ones. And if i go to one, i'll actually be going out on the one night this weekend when J is actually home. So i'm split between lots of music choice, a couple of friends here and there, and my wife. Can't do it all! Har. And what was it, six months ago i was bemoaning the lack of money and friends and pretty much anything worth living for? I'm rebuilding, man. Got me a life, and it's only costing me my weekdays and a not insubstantial slice of stress. Got me a life.

The last couple weeks have been a bit weird at work. Our director sent out an email laying down a new policy that had three main points - no more working from home, everyone has to be in 9 to 5 and no more playing video games on the lunch room consoles. Needless to say i was pretty upset, even though none of those policies directly affected me. I just value working at a company that provides work from home options, flexible hours and entertainment for the staff. That's one of the reasons i chose to work here. It came as a surprise to everyone - including our managers! And to make matters worse, all three managers were going on vacation directly after the announcement, so we didn't even have a chance to talk to them about it. With all that fresh in our minds, a pre-planned drinks night that Friday turned into a massive bitch session. It ended very poorly when a couple of us changed bars to somewhere much less exciting, and then i got even drunker and dropped my phone in the toilet. Also, i puked. Fuck! I was so seedy the next day (and pissed that my phone wasn't working) that i decided against heading out to a gig where a friend was DJing. But anyway. Cue the following week.

So yeah, last week the managers weren't there, and the director decided to have his "clarification" meeting about the new policy. The meeting went off on all kinds of tangents, the boss started gossiping, one of my senior colleagues went on a huge rant about a different department, and nothing got resolved. Essentially there's no particular reason for the change, it's just that the director thinks it's the way we should work so that we become "more efficient". Which has been clearly disproven in the modern business world. My guess is that the company isn't doing well, so he's trying to make us look more professional, so that if layoffs come, they won't come on our side of the fence. But he doesn't respect us enough to tell it to us plainly, so he's just coming off as a jackass, and meanwhile the morale is rock-bottom. There's no incentive to work hard when you aren't treated like an adult. I need to write an email to my manager to vent a little bit and let him know that although i'm going to stick around because i'm not the kind of person who would quit in my first few months, i'm very unhappy.

An attempt to get the managers to come out for drinks Thursday night failed, because although they were back in town they needed to spend time with their wives after the break. Good for them. Less wisely, a couple of us headed out for drinks anyway, making Friday rather miserable. Then, instead of recovering, after work i went out to a snap party that had just been announced the day before. There weren't many people, probably because there had been no time to promote it, but i saw my friend DJ who i missed the previous week. The gig got shut down at 4am, which bummed everyone out (it was supposed to run till 6), but fortunately we were invited along to an afterparty. I had no idea at this point how epic said party would prove to be. We hung out at one girl's place until the liquor stores opened at 9am, and that was a hilarious and wonderful experience on its own. There was drag, talking zebra heads, oversized sunglasses, gas masks, all kinds of mischief. Then we moved the party to a different house (via the liquor store) and things got less zany but far more messy. People slipped away over the course of the day, but somehow me and another guy (and our host) ended up going till after 4pm. Sunday. We had amazing chats, listened to tons of music, watched some random TV, ate a nifty garlic bread concoction, argh... Such a good time. It's been years since i've been to such a ridiculous afterparty (Brisbane raver days) and man oh man what a blast. I really hope i can keep in touch with these guys, because they're an awesome crew.

In other news, there isn't much other news. Work is stressful and slightly depressing because of all the bullshit. Outside of work i am so drained i can barely focus long enough to write anyone outside of text messages. I play video games because i don't need any brainpower. I go out on the weekend to recharge, but not every weekend because i am all responsible n shit that way. Har. Also so i can spend some time with J. I've been skipping my medication a lot. Partly because i don't want interactions when i'm out and other times it's just random apathy. I guess i'm still okay since i'm still here. My sister is coming out to the US to meet her beau next month and i should probably try see her, but she's being a massive flake about where and when. Apparently they're going on a road trip and don't have any plans, which has already screwed up my mom's plan to come meet them, and i figure if she can't even give mom a straight answer what hope do i have? We'll see. Planning shit sucks when there's anyone besides yourself involved. Right now i don't care. I'm still fucking exhausted from the weekend, and i need to cook dinner. Blarrr.