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There is this great Canadian show called Being Erica that started early this year. The basic concept is a neurotic thirtysomething underachiever visits a magic shrink who sends her back in time to relive bad experiences from her past so she can try fix them. I have a real soft spot for the show, corny as it can sometimes be, because for years i held on so tight to all my regrets like they were the only things that defined me.

The other day i was watching the show and it occurred to me i never did write a list like our eponymous protagonist did in the first episode. No kidding! For years i held on to my regrets but i never wrote them all down one after the other. It sounds kinda cathartic in itself, so i thought why not? If i could go back and revisit a younger me, which moments would i go back to? There are three major decisions i've long regretted that most people reading my journal already know about, but what about the little things? Yesterday i sat down and wrote down all those things that occasionally still eat away at me. It did actually feel good to do.

As it turns out, a very large proportion of the list involves me either getting intoxicated when i said i wouldn't or doing stupid shit once there. I did a lot of stupid shit when i was manic too but that's a bit different because i don't actually remember doing it (which is a whole nother problem). And other stupid shit i forgive myself for because i was young and didn't know any better. But getting high, getting drunk? That was always my decision and i own the consequences. Over the last couple months sometimes i've questioned my choice to stop drinking altogether - i just kind of did it on a whim earlier this year - but then i look back and i realize why. My most recent regret on the list was a fucked up thing i did while drunk last year that i haven't written about here and probably won't ever. I'm almost 30, man, i can't pass it off as some stupid kid thing any more, there are times i've been that creepy drunk no one wants to hang out with and that's a harsh realization.

So a few nights back i was squeezing some lime on my plate of chicken and plantain and i can't tell you how much i was hanging for a caipirinha to go with, but i cracked a coke instead. When i look at my list i wonder if there will ever be a day i can be responsible with this shit. I guess when you struggle with mental illness and just general self esteem and other issues on a day to day basis the last thing you should do is fuck with your head any more.

Today, today i am kicking back and taking a home day. I will study for my Spanish exam Monday, perhaps do a few sets of ab exercises because the gym is closed for a tournament this weekend, play my drum and listen to music and dance around the house winking at jack-o'-lanterns. Then i will eat candy and hibernate because i am happy and sad all at the same time, plus it's freakin cold.

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I really like Being Erica, despite the fact that I had to watch the first episode in little itty bitty breaks (it hit much too close to home).

If I wrote down all my regrets it's be several pages long, and mostly revolve around (like Erica) making shitty decisions.

Sadly, if I could go back in time and fix one of my biggest mistakes...and this isn't just hte current situation talking...I'd go back to my suicide attempt in 95, and buy the right bullets.

I don't know if you've seen the whole first season yet, but at one point Erica goes back to try change something as big as your "biggest mistake" and it doesn't turn out at all as she expected - it affects so many more lives than just the one she wanted to change. I guess the point being that when it comes to those really big life-changing events the way it turned out is usually the way it was supposed to turn out, though we may not always understand why.

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