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singapore sunset
I've been transferred to one of the rehab units. It's a 28 day program where you get your own (lockable) room and private bathroom. There is a shared kitchen area to make real food, although we are still fed regular hospital meals. We can leave whenever we like and are trusted not to harm ourselves or others. No searches, no confiscation of sharps, lighters, whatever. It's a much nicer place, and is populated by a very different crowd too. I almost feel like i don't fit in with this older, calmer demographic. Inside my head everything is still a mess. I'm not continuously thinking fucked up thoughts, but certain "everyday" things are triggering me. In particular thinking about work and "my future" (there's a broad brush) sends me spiraling to places i really shouldn't be going in this unit. But i have to try because they are trusting me here. Today i went on two excursions by myself. First i visited the cardiologist to drop off the Holter monitor that had been strapped to my chest like a suicide bomb for the previous 24 hours. Then i went home to have a shower with purple shampoo and aloe body wash, and to enjoy some of my favorite snacks - coffee, almonds, dates, dried apricots, dried cranberries... Yum. Thank Christ i'm still 170lb. I'm barely doing any exercise and the Zyprexa is undoubtedly doing it's best to fuck with me, but perhaps the tiny hospital meals are keeping my weight in check. I did get a burrito for dinner since i was out of the hospital anyway. It was weird this morning because i was told at 10:15 that my room had to be vacated by 11:00 for a new patient. I didn't have the time to say goodbye to anyone on the unit; fortunately i had thought ahead and already exchanged emails with the one guy i particularly wanted to stay in touch with. Yes my mind is kind of bouncing. This happens in the evening. It's not as bad as it was.

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Thanks :) The process is frustrating because i just want to be ready to go now, but i know i have to take it easy or i'll just end up back in hospital again...

Good to hear from you. You sound very happy, though I may be wrong.

I'm up and down :) Definitely better than when i was first admitted, but it'll be a bit more work to get where i need to be. I'm quite fragile still.

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