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self-absorbed post #1387
singapore sunset
amw
I saw the CBT therapist on staff yesterday and i had to go through the same old shit for the umpteenth time. But to get some purpose out of the session we talked about this coming Friday which is a combo Friday Night Dinner/anniversary dinner for J's parents. I talked about how i always have anxiety about these family events, to the point of getting panic attacks beforehand. Aside from the fear of socializing at the dinner itself, i also mentioned my fear of being driven for long distances by people i don't completely trust. And then i babbled on to my fear of trees how sometimes i get the feeling people are stalking me or that there are snipers hiding there. She just bluntly asked, "does that only happen when you're manic?" That kinda threw me for a loop, because none of my specialists have tied those more irrational anxieties i have to bipolar. I never really considered it, but you know she might have had a point. It's not like i can never be driven anywhere or i can never hang out in a forest - it's only when my mood is certain places. Hmm.

Yeah i'm navel-gazing. I'm in the hospital, i can't really avoid it. Half of each day is dedicated to group sessions and in the other half i'm seeing a shrink 3 times a week, plus regular doc, therapist and social worker as needed... My primary goals right now are stabilizing my hours at work, creating a routine that gets me eating and sleeping the same times each day and finding a regular doc and pdoc on the outside.

Last night for the first time in the new unit i got out of control. I've had a few anxiety flare-ups to do with one particular nurse who really rubs me the wrong way, but other than that i've been pretty stable and actually productive (recovery-wise) too. But last night i'm not sure what happened. I had come home from boxing, ate the dinner that was there, people were on our floor watching the hockey finals (i guess the other floors were watching movies or drama or whatever). And i just started blurting shit out, my mouth was running away, running with no off switch. Eventually when my brain caught up and i realized it, i marched abruptly off to bed. And proceeded to somehow put so much stuff in my drawer it wouldn't open any more. I fucking flipped out and they had to sedate me.

It's the next morning now and i'm still waiting for maintenance to come with a fucking screwdriver to take the damn thing apart. In the drawer is my journal, all my medical papers going back several years and my stash of candied ginger. Thank Christ i already ate the banana bread, rice crackers and sesame honey bars. I guess i could always go to the store. I'm just cranky. Little shit... little shit like this fucking explodes sometimes. I know it's ridiculous to get stressed over but it's almost like these things are worse than the big things. I need to relax. I need to breathe, do mindfulness meditation, all that. But, as the therapist pointed out, that sort of approach works well when you're anxious or depressed, not so well when you're manic. The only way i know how to deal is to withdraw, try not to let my mouth go, try not to get aggressive. I pull back so much that people tend to think i'm depressed when really i'm just using up all my energy on the inside, desperately trying to not fuck things up. What makes today, last night different? I don't want to have to rely on a freakin chill pill when i'm already on a mood stabilizer and anti-psychotics. Grumbly grumbles.
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