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making adjustments
singapore sunset
amw
Last time i saw my psych and had my usual whine session about not feeling like my life was very fulfilling he murmured something about how he could try putting me on a different medication but he didn't really want to. I appreciate that i have someone who is reticent about fucking with my medication too much, especially after the debacle of last year with Depakote vs Depakene and my Seroquel crash. If there's one thing i can say about my mood since i got out of hospital last year it's that at least it's been stable. We've been tweaking my Depakote and Zyprexa dosages, but aside from some weirdness at the beginning of this year i haven't had any wildly debilitating episodes.

I'm still feeling like crap, though. I'm still struggling to get out of bed every morning. Some days i don't get out till after midday, which means i've slept almost 12 hours. It's not healthy, and it contributes to my general feeling of worthlessness when i know i've wasted half the day before it even got started. On the odd morning when J tries to wake me up i tend to scream at her about how much i hate my life. It's really shitty for her to hear that, even if it is just some quirk of my hazy semi-awake state. By the time i do get up i can face the fact that the world is the way it is, but by then the damage has been done and often the day is gone too.

Therapy hasn't worked for my depression. It helps to talk through my anxiety and perfectionism and other neuroses, but it really hasn't done anything to make me feel happier overall. I'm still waiting on an appointment with my primary care physician to figure out the hormone situation. After today's spiel my psych finally decided to present his options for a med change. He proposed replacing the Zyprexa with Abilify or, if that fails, Wellbutrin. Apparently Abilify is an "activating" anti-psychotic, so it shouldn't make me as sleepy as the Zyprexa, but he's hoping it will still combat the paranoia and derealization. Moving over to an anti-depressant like Wellbutrin might be more risky, but the hope there is that my paranoia will have faded naturally (or will fade with the depression).

I'm a little scared to quit the Zyprexa, to be honest. It's been my security blanket now for over a year - any time things get a little wonky i can take that and all the voices shut up and if nothing else i at least feel stable. But of course i spent years without Zyprexa and although there were some real low points in there i did manage alright. That also makes me reluctant to try anything else. I feel kinda indignant, like, why should i need something new when i never used to? What's so different now? I feel like i should have been able to work through this all with therapy, if it's all situational to start with. I expressed all this to my psych but something made me say i would give it a try anyway. What's the worst that can happen? If things get better, great. If things get worse i can always go back to what i know kinda-sorta works.

It's still scary. And reading the websites doesn't help, especially not when the common symptoms list "insomnia" and "sleepiness" right next to one another. Seriously? So tomorrow i'm taking a gamble i'll fall on the "activating" side of the coin and that i won't fall asleep in the middle of a work meeting. Or start shaking uncontrollably or projectile vomiting or doing some other thing to invite an exorcism. So far i've never had a violent reaction to prescribed drugs, so i should be okay. I can always call in sick. See? There's me letting myself not be perfect - at least talk therapy is working for something.
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