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swing
amw
I'm having a fucking anxiety attack because FUCK PEOPLE. So, tomorrow is New Year's, historically one of my least favorite nights of the year to go out. But there's one little club here called the Rummels Bucht that is pretty small and off the beaten path, and i figured it might be nice to go out there and just have some fun, then head home, sleep, say my final goodbye to Kater and then fly out to Canada. Today i was going to get a ticket after work and then go home and sleep, given i am still hungover from a Sisyphos+Kater marathon Sunday during the day. But then it turns out someone i know is also going, and her friend was going to get tickets, so he'd pick me one up too, or whatever. Then he didn't go because another friend of theirs had already bought for the group, so whatever, so i head out to the club after work. Meanwhile i'm texting the one fucking person in Germany who doesn't have WhatsApp, wasting my phone credit, and he's all trying to meet up with me again (we met up a month or two back at a club and he's been trying to meet up again ever since). I said look i'm just getting my ticket for tomorrow, i can get you one if you want. And then fucking radio silence. Get into the club and ask for one ticket, and maybe another... So i called him and instead of him saying, "yeah get me a ticket, bye" he said yeah, and one for my brother too, and hey can we still meet up tonight and we should organize something for tomorrow, and oh weren't we going to go to the Kater and bla bla bla and meanwhile i'm talking extremely shitty broken German with him on the phone while the lady had just come downstairs from setting up the goddamn party to sell me a fucking ticket. Eventually i'm like okay i have to go. I pay for the ticket and immediately feel like a complete and utter douche for having this whole shitty conversation on the phone in front of one of the promoters, talking about other clubs and whatever, and then when i leave i get more fucking text messages like hey come to my place, i have lots of alcohol bla bla bla. And i'm just thinking FUCK. The only reason i offered to pick up a ticket for him was to save him the effort of picking it up himself, not because i wanted to have a grand epic party weekend with him as my date. For fuck's sake. And because i am not confident enough in my German i can't say "dude, chill". I don't have the vocabulary to keep conversations short. But even if i could, no i'm not going to make plans! I still haven't gotten home from work! I still have to go to work tomorrow! My "plan" was to come home, sleep, and then show up to the club whenever the fuck i wake up, even if it's the morning of the 1st, dance for a few hours and life goes on. It is SO not about meeting people for me. I want to live my own fucking life and dance, and if i see people great, and if not oh well. I already have a totally fucked up week coming up because sometime on the 1st or the 2nd i need to meet my old buddy R from Australia, and on the 3rd i need to fly to Canada, where i'm meeting R2 for drinks, and she's invited a bunch of colleagues, meanwhile D and N have also heard that i'll be in town and they want to catch up, even though Monday i have my immigration interview and then fly back out again... And it's like FUCK. All this fucking bullshit and planning and obligations is exactly what i hate in life and i can't fucking deal with. The only obligation i want is work. Nothing else. And it's nothing personal because i love my existing friends and think it's great i'm meeting new friends here and i do enjoy their company when we do run into one another... But i don't want my life to be dictated by other people's shit. FUCK. I am so stressed out, now i feel like the promoter thinks i'm a douchebag, like this guy thinks i'm a cunt (after i sent a curt Facebook message saying i didn't want to make plans), like R thinks i'm avoiding him because i have to fit a friend i haven't seen in over 5 years into some tiny window of opportunity... And this, fuck all of this because life is supposed to be relaxed and fun and i just want to be anonymous and free. Fuck!
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