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Life is so shit without alcohol. Today i not only not went clubbing, but i also did not have any alcohol to drink. Mainly because i drank a weekend's worth of alcohol watching Mr. Robot on Friday. Well plus there were the terror attacks in France to be annoyed about, and then the predictable responses to the terror attacks in France to be even more annoyed about. Plus, you know, Mr. Robot. What a fucking incredible show. It's taken me weeks to get through 10 episodes because it is the most triggering thing i have watched in many, many years. The scenes of social anxiety slipping into paranoia and full-blown psychosis are all too familiar. It's been a while since things were even close to that bad, but seeing similar stuff play out on-screen has definitely brought it closer to the surface.

Except, you know, it wouldn't if i had something to drink. Today i have sat at home occasionally doing work, occasionally doing coding for an open source project i am somehow now a contributor to and occasionally staring into space blankly. All the while grinding my teeth to dust, as if my coffee this morning were spiked with meth. I don't think i will be able to sleep at this rate. I'm just edgy. So edgy. I want something to drink, oh God i want something to drink.

The thing is, i fear what will happen if i don't. If it turns 3 in the morning and i am at my wit's end i may go out clubbing and fuck up my whole entire week again. If i get very drunk that could also happen, because i won't care about my job. But if i do it right, i will pass out, then i will be okay.

Yup, doing totally fine without the medication.

Hey, even if i was on the medication, sitting around all day sober would be boring as hell.

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