amw (amw) wrote,

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got me some jesus

Years ago i wanted a crucifix. Not for any particular religious reason, i don't think, just because i liked how they looked. I remember i got like 2 or 3 from various people in the space of a few months. One is really traditional with a half-naked Jesus hanging on it. I wore it every now and then somewhat randomly, up until a few years ago when i started consciously wearing it whenever i felt down or like i needed some help.

I've been wearing it since i got swine flu after the wedding and haven't taken it off since. I was actually going to wear it for the wedding except J gave me a pearl necklace the night before (haw!) Anywho, so i like to have him around because i feel like this guy is on my side. He also had to deal with Jewish in-laws...

Right now i am feeling hell lonely. I didn't really have as much of a need for close friends in Australia because i more or less had my shit together, but now i'm coming apart i'm really noticing the lack and it hurts. The other shitty thing is that none of the friends i've made in the last 3-4 years have seen me anywhere close to as fucked up as i am now so it's hard to talk to them about it, especially with them on the other side of the world. I'm finding comfort in this journal because it's one of the few constants i've had with me through some of the shittiest times in my life and here it is still, now, ready to listen.

And i've got my Jesus. He's been with me for 7 years, so that's better than most people. I don't know if he means something deeper to me than that. He sounds like he was a nice enough guy when he was alive, so i guess it makes as much sense to have him round my neck as it does to wear Elvis against my crotch. I wonder if there's a patron saint for manic depressives.

I'm gonna need my Jesus and Elvis and a handful of other good saints and spirits to help me from flipping out and killing someone tomorrow. It's the day of the wedding shower i never asked for. I'm gonna be seeing some ridiculous ass number of women who i don't know who they are, who are all going to ask me how i am enjoying Canada and give me gifts i feel awkward receiving. God knows what other shit is planned. Please, let it just be a quick lunch and get me the fuck out of there. I am shaking already. It's in 12 hours.
Tags: anxiety, crazy, depression

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