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dobeedobeedo
singapore sunset
amw
I don't want to work. It's been about a week since i either emailed my boss or looked at anything work-related. Originally we discussed doing two or three days a week as a telecommute. At first it was difficult because he wasn't around so i had no direction, but the last week it's been difficult because i don't have a desire to do anything at all - and particularly not software development.

Actually, the things i am getting something out of are unexpected. I was on a real high coming out of Spanish yesterday, which is amazing when you're depressed. It only lasted till this morning, but still. It's such a buzz to be forced to interact with people, to be forced to try get to know people in a language none of us know, to stand up and speak and speak and speak. The whole approach to teaching is much more about interaction than memorizing lists of nouns and verbs. It's like taking an acting or a dancing class, we're out there performing the whole time while we learn, the teacher won't let anyone fly under the radar.

Today i have nothing. What a perfect day to get fingerprinted for the FBI. Or take my written driver's test. Or contact my boss and explain why i haven't done any work for the last week. Or maybe even actually do some work. But all i want to do is lie here in a ball and cry a bit. At least i had breakfast. Now i need to get out of the house. Maybe if i shoot some hoops first i'll feel better.

The wedding shower thing on Sunday went okay. My "sister" (a close family friend) calmed me down a lot. It's weird being around her because her name is the same as what mine used to be, so i keep looking up when people are talking to her. I had panic attacks all morning and probably would have ended up buying cigarettes until i discovered Canada is apparently the only country in the world you can't get Marlboro Lights. Blessing in disguise? Either way, i made it through without any alcohol and now i am never going to go to another family event again. I think it knocked more years off my life than a pack of cigarettes would've.

Ever since i started writing these entries in the mornings things aren't coming out quite right, like it's too close to the flow of consciousness out of my dreams and not tempered by the thoughts of the day. I guess in some ways that's truer to the original thought, but sometimes i think i'm sounding incoherent or just generally nuts. More than usual anyway.