amw (amw) wrote,

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i can see out the hole, i just need a ladder

For a long time, for years i never found myself happier than i had been in 2002 when i lived in California. Sure, there were moments here and there - they usually involved being so out of my head i might as well have been in another country - but not really. Moving to Melbourne in 2006 was my first step to getting my shit back together again. I started drinking less, for starters, and i was forced to become more independent and less defined by the people i hung out with. It probably took another year, but i can tell the exact point when everything clicked - at Miles Maeda in March 2007.

It's like things all came together synchronously. In January i got sent to a conference by work that really started me thinking what the fuck i was doing in the job. M was done with Melbourne by then and already talking about leaving. In February i got a text message that Miles Maeda was going to be playing in Melbourne. I remember reading quit's journal years beforehand mentioning how good his mixtapes were so i knew i had to go. The day before the party i received a huge box of CDs - all my music i had left with T in America that had been lost in the mail for 6 months or more. My music was back! At the party i had no drugs, no alcohol, and i danced the night away with the biggest smile. I randomly met this guy who asked me to join his basketball team. I'd been wanting to start a sport anyway, and the universe just dropped it in my lap.

I joined the team, quit my job, M left me, i started a new job, C committed suicide and before i knew it there i was, standing in Brisbane for one last time. I had just been to my first funeral and i was back in the city i'd spent most of my life in. I think i was at a nightclub with burning_angel_ and i was half in tears. From regret, from loss, from mortality, i don't know. I can't remember what exactly she said to me, but i could probably sum it up as "move the fuck on". So i did. I returned to Melbourne and never looked back. I started working through this creativity course called The Artist's Way. I resolved a whole bunch of shit in my head. I played more basketball, listened to more music, redecorated the house, started going out to bars and having casual sex and all the stupid shit i should probably have done ten years earlier but never did. And i had fun and my job was going well and i started talking to my future wife on MySpace. So all in all 2007 ended up a pretty good year, in fact my best since 2002.

And 2008 was pretty good too. I remember telling everyone at the beginning of the year that 2008 was going to be the best year ever. I'm not sure anyone believed me, but hell i was feeling on top of the world and nothing was going to get me down. In February i got an email from T that meant the world to me, and then a week or two later i was flying back to North America for the first time since 2004, which was pretty awesome too. Things worked out with J and she moved down and y'all know the rest. Of course i was still up and down, still had anxiety issues, but that's just life, you know? J and i went through some shitty times, hitting the same sort of things i'd hit in the past only this time i was the older one so i understood it and we figured it out and i realize it's the same things every relationship has. Just growing. 2008 was good.

I guess what i'm trying to get at is that if you have your shit together, "this year" should always be the best year of your life, you shouldn't have to look back and go "God i wish it was 2002 again". But now this year, the year i'm finally living in North America again, the year i got married for fuck's sake, right now i'm looking back and wishing and it's bullshit because for two years i was back on the horse and things were better again. Everything looks dark right now. I need another Miles Maeda gig, or another basketball game, or something, seriously, just some defining moment where it's like fuck, this is why i'm alive right now, this is why this year is the shit. I want to live, damnit, and i want to enjoy the now.

Tonight i am going drumming.
Tags: depression, drumming, looking back

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