amw (amw) wrote,

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aaaargh my skin, it's burning!!!

Living downtown you forget what it's like to have sun on your skin every time you step outside a building. Today i went out to the west side to get my fingerprints taken, over the weekend i'll prepare the rest of the documents to send to the FBI, AFP and California DOJ. I also wanted to buy a drum but the studio was closed - "back by 3". I came back after 3 - still closed. I guess something's telling me to hold off. I was really supposed to be doing groceries and laundry, after all. Got a curry from a hole in the wall and it was awesome. There is no Mexican here, and not much Malaysian either, but a lot of Indian and Caribbean, so i will explore those further.

I am losing a bunch of weight. When i first moved here i started gaining weight quickly because the portion sizes are so big and all the food is really carb- and fat-heavy. That kinda bugged me, so i started watching my calories on food off the shelf and leaving half the carbs on my plate at restaurants. I don't think that's the reason my pants are falling down, though. When i started getting all unbalanced a month or two ago i started skipping meals and eating really irregularly. It doesn't help that my various night classes are right during dinner time and i don't want to spend the money to eat out. I really need to go back to eating normally. I like seeing those cheekbones in the mirror again, they went away for a while, but this can't be good for me. It's just... i'm not hungry.

But everything is flowing this week man. I got my Java certification, i got my driver's license (well the written test part anyway), i got fingerprinted, did school every night... At drumming last night i babbled my ass off, after being all silent and miserable the previous week. I felt so good, like the beats just flowed and it was like 1997 again, like the same sounds in the air, i could actually hear a Green Nuns Of The Revolution riff and i haven't really heard that shit in 10 years. It was funny the contrast with the previous week with one of the bubbliest girls doped up on God knows what sedatives this time round and practically passing out in front of us. What do you do? She's 18 yanno, i understand where she's at. It sucks.

I have always avoided "group" therapy. When i'm in more anxious moods it's out of fear of talking to lots of people i don't know, but when i'm in less anxious moods i think i'm just scared of getting stuck. I saw it in the transgender community a lot, where people stay forever stuck being labeled as trans because they build up friendships and get scared of moving on to the life they originally wanted. It's the same as addicts, when you build these pseudo-friendships based on shared pain and then you're constantly pulling each other back into it because it feels slightly less pathetic to get fucked up with your buddies than it does by yourself. Your whole life gets defined by this fucked up thing that you share... And it's only when you finally pull out that you're not defined by that fucked up thing, that you can be more. I am really scared if i go to group - fuck i'm even a little scared if i go to one-on-one - that suddenly i'll be "amw the bipolar chick" instead of "amw the chick who likes music and dancing and television and politics and writing and..." Like my mind will close up all around its own fucked-up-ness instead of flourishing. And i need to bloom, it's time.
Tags: crazy, immigration, manic

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