amw (amw) wrote,

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itching to dance

This morning when i was looking for a drumming thing i found this great Youtube about some stretches you can do for tendonitis. I realized when i was doing these stretches i already have issues, probably from typing. At work i typed a lot more, but i was sitting at a desk - now i am almost always lying on my stomach on the bed, which can't be a good position. I don't have a desk here, though i guess i could use the breakfast table or take up the offer of redecorating the basement office that no one ever uses. I read this column the other day that paraphrased Virginia Woolf about how all a woman needs to write is money and a room. Right now i don't really have either. Can you tell by the quality of my blogging? Heh.

I ran into one of J's friends today at the subway who had literally just broken up with her boyfriend. I know it's been on-again-off-again for years, but you never know when the real one is going to happen, so i gave her a big hug and told her she'd get through it. I mean, you do, mostly, eventually. I said i'd try see her again tonight... After pushing myself out to another family dinner (it's Friday night, don't ya know) i actually still had energy to go, but she wasn't ready yet so i came home instead. Of course then she called but once the bra is off that's it for me, man, my day in public is over. In either case while i sit here topless, destroying my carpal tunnel with no room and no money, she and J and some other dude are drinking and smoking their sorrows away in the local park like teenagers. It so doesn't help.

I think i want to write more but not here.

This week J started changing her surname to mine. I never asked for it or at all expected it - not in this day and age - but it's kinda flattering. It's also a little scary, like she is giving up part of her identity for me. I guess millions of women have done it before, but it feels so... i don't know, real? I never really pictured anyone "having" my name. It's like there's this added responsibility. It's... it's scary being grown-up, like actually really committing and being serious about keeping your shit together for someone. Yesterday and today have been good days. I actually have an appointment with a talk-therapist now, so that's a start... But you know, this girl is in it for real, that means i gotta give her the best i can be. You can't just build a marriage on love, you know, there's all these other responsibilities too, the ones i usually seem to fuck up, so yeah scary.

I really want to dance.
Tags: anxiety, bird in a gilded cage, manic

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