chipperI ran into one of J's friends today at the subway who had literally just broken up with her boyfriend. I know it's been on-again-off-again for years, but you never know when the real one is going to happen, so i gave her a big hug and told her she'd get through it. I mean, you do, mostly, eventually. I said i'd try see her again tonight... After pushing myself out to another family dinner (it's Friday night, don't ya know) i actually still had energy to go, but she wasn't ready yet so i came home instead. Of course then she called but once the bra is off that's it for me, man, my day in public is over. In either case while i sit here topless, destroying my carpal tunnel with no room and no money, she and J and some other dude are drinking and smoking their sorrows away in the local park like teenagers. It so doesn't help.
I think i want to write more but not here.
This week J started changing her surname to mine. I never asked for it or at all expected it - not in this day and age - but it's kinda flattering. It's also a little scary, like she is giving up part of her identity for me. I guess millions of women have done it before, but it feels so... i don't know, real? I never really pictured anyone "having" my name. It's like there's this added responsibility. It's... it's scary being grown-up, like actually really committing and being serious about keeping your shit together for someone. Yesterday and today have been good days. I actually have an appointment with a talk-therapist now, so that's a start... But you know, this girl is in it for real, that means i gotta give her the best i can be. You can't just build a marriage on love, you know, there's all these other responsibilities too, the ones i usually seem to fuck up, so yeah scary.
I really want to dance.
