amw (amw) wrote,

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Last night i had a bit of a breakdown after dinner. Fortunately i'm not depressed or it could have been a lot worse, but... gah i am still... You know it's not my opa dying in and of itself that's hard - we've known for a while it was coming - it's a whole bunch of other things that make me feel sad, things like my other grandfather being not far behind and he doesn't even know about me, things like not being able to grieve properly when someone else i cared about died... And i want, i need to talk about them, but i don't have anyone.

As much as my in-laws love me and care about me i can't dump everything on them in one hit. Aside from me having trust issues with them anyways, there is a lot of context, a lot of history that they don't know. Shit, anyone who met me in the last 5 years is unlikely to realize i'm transgender for starters. I don't mention it much any more because it's not central in my life any more, it's just not something that i think about every day, but there are times - like now - where it's relevant. For example, i know one of the reasons i have a lot of anxiety about going back to see family in Europe (or New Zealand for that matter) is because they haven't seen me since i was 17. And that hurts because it means there's another thing i'm missing out on because i changed my sex.

So who else do i talk to? This fucking keyboard is who. I haven't seen a shrink in years, and when i start next week it will be from scratch again. Most of my recent (Melbourne) friends are only just finding out i'm bipolar much less anything deeper. My friends from Brisbane i got close to but it was that druggy closeness where you talk about everything but it fades with the high. And then i have people from the internet, most of whom i've never met in person. Or T which is a whole nother thing itself i need to start from scratch, if it ever even goes anywhere. I could write a whole book on that. So i sit here and write to my journal, and it helps a bit but it doesn't really because sometimes you just need one person, sometimes broadcasting to the whole world isn't what you need.

J was really good to me last night but of course it's weird because i'm not depressed so it's like i get sad and then get distracted from being sad and then it's as if nothing is wrong but really it still is it's just the mind is off somewhere else for a minute... But the minute was long enough for things to flip around and she had her own mini breakdown so i had to look after her. We're both struggling right now, me with the usual stuff, and she with depression, not having a great job, not knowing what she wants to do with her life, etc. There's more there but it's not my place to talk about it here. See, that's why i need a person, and it can't just be her.

What gets me is that i could have been typing this exact same fucking entry 8 years ago when i started my journal. In fact, i probably did. I'm obviously so goddamn useless at opening up to people that in all this time i still haven't made the kind of friends who'd be able to support me. I do have some good friends i made in Australia, but even my best friends only know bits and pieces and most of them i'm losing touch with - we've scattered all over the world.

You know what's really funny, when you send a link to your journal to one of your friends in real life and they go "hey that's interesting" once and never read it again. Most people really don't want (or need) to know all the ugliness that goes on in other people's heads, especially not their friends'. LiveJournal only draws (or keeps) a specific type of person, people i think who really want to get how other people work.

I really hope this shrink works out. Paying someone $140 an hour to be your friend is kind of shitty, but i need it.
Tags: crazy, family, gender, meta

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