amw (amw) wrote,

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happy independence day

It's actually already been and gone but hey.

I woke up and had a minor breakdown over the fact i still haven't done any of the work for my former boss that i promised him i'd do months ago. I couldn't push myself hard enough to telecommute as a casual IT worker in 2002 and i'm not doing much better now. I felt like such a failure. But i don't want to break promises so i pulled my shit together and spent most of the day swearing at open source software, open source programmers, software developers in general and pretty much the whole industry. I got everything done that i wanted to, but God, how exhausting. I really don't need a job that's going to get me this frustrated. I know shit is frustrating in every industry, but i guess once you've been in one industry for almost 10 years you start to lose patience with seeing the same stupid crap over and over. Or i do. It just kills me.

In related news, i did an online quiz that told me my ideal "job" would be unemployed. For the state my mind is in right now that is right on the mark. I hate working, i hate being beholden to my company, i hate having to color in the lines when i want to paint my own picture. I hate expending all my emotional energy on things i don't enjoy or believe in. When i am working i always put in my everything, i do the best job i can do and am the most loyal employee you could ask for, but when i'm not working i just wonder why i ever bothered. I seriously need to figure this out before i get my work permit because my savings aren't going to last forever. Unfortunately i can't afford to be a perennial student/artist/blogger/bum.

One of the starving artist cliches is boozing all the time, and i'm doing well avoiding that trap. I think i had a glass of wine with dinner once in June but before that it might have been some time in April. It feels really good. Eating out is cheaper, for starters. I do miss cocktails, but i don't miss spending lots of money, saying stupid shit all night and waking up the next morning with stomach cramps. Life isn't great right now, but it isn't awful either and i think i just don't want to mess with my brain chemistry any more... Though i am drinking an awful lot of caffeine.

Yesterday we went out for Greek and i had some weird ass fucking hyperglycemic thing. Dinner was fine (gyros and dolmas) but then i got baklava for dessert. They'd drowned it in like a liter of (maple?) syrup and cinnamon. Stupidly i ate half of it in like 20 seconds because i haven't had one since i left Australia and then everything went hazy for a while. It was extremely strange and a little scary. I'm trying to figure out if i'm eating enough at the moment. I am trying to be especially conscious of eating three meals a day but i'm still losing weight. I had like 7 freakin falafel balls for dinner today, and pitas, i mean, come on! My body goes through these weird phases i think, where it doesn't matter what i eat or drink, i just lose or gain weight rapidly and certain foods send me off on wild mood swings. I had lychee cravings the other day and bought like 2 pounds of them. I'm the only one in the house who eats them. I can't be undernourished, right? Hrm. Lychees are delicious. I would have some more but then i'd have to go back downstairs, and eating at 3am can't be good anyway...
Tags: career

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