amw (amw) wrote,

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21st century hermit

You know sometimes i am convinced something happened but then i can't find the email and i don't know if it's real any more because it's only in my head. The sad thing is that there was a big, big part of my life that existed pretty much only on the internet and in the hearts and minds of people i never see any more. When i talked to "real life" family and friends about it no one ever took me seriously. It used to make me so mad, i would come home shaking because i was so frustrated that people didn't get it. That's probably what really drove me over the edge in the end. It's like a hole that no one fucking knew or cared about and they still don't all realize that the experiences from that hole have shaped everything, everything in my life since. And i still have a lot of things to remind me, to help me remember it wasn't all in my head, but then some things i don't have and it makes me doubt myself, maybe i got rid of them on purpose because they hurt, but i just don't know... I don't trust my memories any more because over and over again they've failed me and disappointed everyone else.

I was going to write an entry about something completely different, you see. All i wanted to do was look up a vaguely relevant email. I'm obsessive that way, when i write i need to read too, to tie things together in my head, to help corral those fleeting thoughts before they run away from my fingers. But the email wasn't there.

And now the thoughts i had about my Opa are gone. Perhaps he is too. How could i know? For the last 12 years he's only existed in my life on the internet. I hate losing people like this.
Tags: looking back

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