amw (amw) wrote,

i'm cold

Very cold. No heater in this house. Lots of draft because the back of the house isn't sealed. No insulation. My bank account has stayed pretty much even for about a month and i can't figure out where my pay is going. I'm withdrawing less than i'm depositing. I'm hungry and i'm sad and i'm missing T. It's 10:20pm. I will eat a bit more, i guess. And hack through work... i'm getting a lot of work done, but i'm not seeing the payback, you know? Where is that ten grand sitting in my account so i can go back to America? Where are the jobs? Why ever did i become a computer programmer?

You know when i was 10 or 11 and i played computer games i said hey i want to program computer games when i grow up. Mom told me that was ridiculous and there would be more money in being a "systems analyst". But i never wanted to design systems, i just thought it was nifty to make cool little functions and code that ran fast and made people happy. Now my career is disappearing and all that's left is the analysts. Am i supposed to "grow up" and spend all my time dealing with clients and talking about paradigms and typing up 60 page reports to send to a programming sweat shop in another country? I should have followed my heart in the first place and done something with music. I have four years experience now, and apparently it doesn't count for shit. It's like having four years experience flipping burgers. At least i would've gotten free meals if i'd been doing that. I could really go a Whopper right now. And a McChicken. With lots of fries.
Tags: career, depression, gaming, looking back

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