amw (amw) wrote,

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It seems i deal with shit very differently to J sometimes. When we have to plan things, to be somewhere on time - in this case to move house - i like to prepare early and keep cool. Whatever happens after that, it just happens. J tends to do things i sometimes consider to be over-planning, or over-thinking, right up till the last minute. It gets me frustrated because i just want to find the easiest, lowest-stress route and hit the cruise control. I can't do that when people around me want to do something different or get impatient or agitated with how things are going. No doubt in their heads they're trying to find their own lowest-stress option, or perhaps make mine less stressful (ha!), but if they can't sell it to me then i don't know how to find a middle ground. That's the left brain thing, right? I always need to hear a logical reason. J and i got in this big argument tonight and i still don't really know what it was about because she didn't say.

Something is not right since last night. I was in Spanish class and there was this grammatical structure i didn't understand so i kept asking questions. For like 15 minutes it was just a back-and-forth between me and the teacher, and i started to feel really self-conscious about it. Then i got really anxious and it was as if everyone in the class was looking at me, judging me, thinking i was trying to be a smartass or maybe a teacher's pet or who the fuck knows. I felt like i was 12 again, i felt so fucking small. I just wanted to disappear. I was in tears when i left class.

This morning i woke up to a text message from J's friend saying she wanted to either drive us to Ikea or do lunch. I mean, what the fuck? Don't these people realize we're moving? Anyone trying to help right now just fucks with my shit, fucks with the plan, and for no reason. I swear, our landlord forgets to give us the key, the moving guys don't show up, there's a freak thunderstorm, the highway shuts down for an accident, the public transport workers go on strike, an earthquake hits, that sort of shit i expect, but when people who are supposedly your friends get in your face when they know you're busy? Fuck my ass! It wouldn't be so bad if J's mom hadn't kept on trying to cut in on the plans too (source of said argument tonight, more or less)... Seriously, when i need help i'll ask. Having it offered all the time when for the first goddamn time in over 4 months J and i are finally able to do something on our own, it just makes me mad.

Anyway, so that triggered more anxiety, then i started getting depressed, thinking of times when i didn't have to put up with this shit, then i started wondering about my career, and why the hell am i no different now than i was 10 years ago, why every time i think i'm growing i look back and feel like i'm stuck, why everyone else seems to be moving on, and then the morning was a write-off because i spent it on the toilet crying. But i pulled through it and did the Ikea thing and did dinner with the mother-in-law and even saw the grandmother-in-law, so that's one hell of a comeback... Or it was, until tonight's bullshit. For fuck's sake. I think i'm getting depressed again. Or some anxiety shit is starting again, that seems to come in waves too. And you know when it's like this every little pebble thrown in the pond is like some killer tsunami shit.

I want my motherfucking desert island.
Tags: crazy

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