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day of suck
singapore sunset
amw
I didn't really want to get up. But i did set myself some very small goals today and it seemed particularly lame to not even do those. So i built my CD shelf and unpacked CDs. Made some hamburger patties for dinner. Went drumming. Came home and made freakin awesome burgers. Achieving some small goals, it's how i keep afloat.

But yeah, drumming. I'm so much better than when i started. I'm gaining more control, like i am beginning to be able to move my hands and fingers at the speed i need to play the rhythms i can hear in my head. I still haven't gotten many interesting timbres down - on djembe or doumbek - but you gotta start somewhere. Triplets are flowing now, it's nice. I am starting to drum on random shit, which i know is really annoying for everyone around me and i really don't care. I've got enough to feel guilty about already. Not gonna feel guilty about playing music.

Since i was a kid i was teased and told i was a klutz. Like, hey, we understand, you're just not the athletic type, you're not gifted with coordination, you're a brain, that's fine, you'll be a great academic... If only i had known then that physical skills aren't just God-given, they're learned - they get better with practice, with exercise. Maybe then i would have practiced guitar more. Maybe i would have persevered with the sports i enjoyed. Maybe i wouldn't've felt so embarrassed at being "caught" dancing in front of the TV to MC Hammer. Maybe i wouldn't only just be exploring these things in me when i'm nearly 30. I really hate i've been painted into an intellectual corner, as if that was just the life i was born into and not a world i created for my lonely self, something to cling to.

Drumming now... wanting to actually get serious about it, it's not just about the music and self-expression, it's also about pushing myself beyond those imaginary boundaries placed around me a kid, about finally showing me and everyone else that i'm not a klutz, that when i want to hit something i can actually hit it, and on-tempo too. I want to feel like my body is in my control, my mind rarely is these days. It's the same reasons i love playing basketball, and perhaps even why i love cooking too. I can do it, damnit, i can be strong and agile and coordinated and not have to hate everything about my body.

So yeah, it's all the more frustrating when my group is playing low-tempo fucking "feel-good" songs with insipid lyrics and boring rhythms that provide little room for embellishment. It frustrates my depressed ass and makes it hard for me to learn, to improve. But i'll still go to the practices over the next month and perform in September. Because, well, i don't know why. I feel i should finish it properly, i don't want to quit like i did when i was a kid. Also performing, even in a group, is going to be a big deal for me - a challenge for my mind, and that's something i need to make sure to keep working on too.
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