amw (amw) wrote,

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dun wun do anything

It's good to have my CDs back. I was listening to my Dune: Spice Opera CD the other day and decided to google the artist. I emailed back and forth with him as a teenager - his was the first CD i'd ever bought and his style had a big influence on me. I was never able to buy his other albums - i didn't get a credit card till it was too late. One day in the late 90s he dropped off the planet, probably around the same time i did. Turns out he moved to Madagascar, just dropped his life - career and all. No idea what he's doing there now, but it sure ain't writing music for computer games.

It made me think about that modern parable of the Mexican fisherman. Why should i push myself to earn a six-figure salary doing computer programming when i don't actually like getting angry at computers all day and i don't need the money anyway? Our rent is $795 per month - you know, i think we'll manage. In Australia i fought to get the highest salary possible so i could save and save and save and one day move to America. Now i am in Canada and all those savings are trickling away as i visit my shrink, go to school, etc. They look to hit zero in November - exactly the month my work permit is slated to come through. I'm glad i had those savings to eat through this year, but do i need to build them up again? America is a $30 Greyhound trip from here. The only things i really want to save for now are luxuries - laser eye surgery and trips to exotic locations.

Not that living in a basement apartment in Toronto is really on the same level as living in a hut by the beach in Southern Africa (or Baja California), but you know what i mean. I've been lucky enough to be able to NOT work for a couple years in my adult life and although they haven't been the most emotionally stable years of my life they've definitely been the years that in retrospect i feel i enjoyed the most and grew the most from. I'm not one of those people that needs to work or they'll feel useless. I feel useless if i can't pay my own way, but that's not the same as feeling useless because i'm not working. So i kind of want to set the bar a little lower when that work permit comes through. I don't want to break my back for no reason.

One of the unfortunate things about the software industry is that they want you to sign your life away. It's very rare you find a programming job that offers a true part-time opportunity, unless you are working for yourself. But can i earn a decent living doing anything else, especially only part-time? I want to stay healthy, i want to be able to learn, i want to listen to new music and travel every now and then. It doesn't sound like much, but it must be because a lot of people can't afford to even do that. J wants to go back to college full-time next year and we're not sure how we're going to afford it. If i earned what i did in Australia it wouldn't be a problem. Yeah. If i went back to that.

I probably will.

I have this weird thing where i feel like i need to earn enough money to support me and someone else, because of the year in my life where it was the other way around. I am still holding on to so much guilt over that. I feel like i failed, like somehow it was all about me not having the money, or the dedication, or the skill or experience in my career, or something, that it was my fault i couldn't move to America when i was right fucking there. Ever since then i've been trying to prove i can, to myself, to whoever... It hurts like hell to acknowledge that, but it's probably one of the biggest things i need to get over to be able to change careers.
Tags: career, looking back

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