amw (amw) wrote,

A question for y'all

Every single time i make an entry here, i worry. I don't worry that my family will find it, i don't worry that the government will find it, i don't worry my colleagues will find it... I worry that a future employer will already have found it and will not hire me because of it. I stopped writing in this journal and deleted a shitload of entries for that very reason. I worry about my webpage too, and other things i post online, and stupid, stupid shit i wrote back in 1995 that Google and other sites have cached from newsgroups.

What is up with that? I am very conscious of the complete lack of privacy that is inherent to the internet, but the only thing that really bothers me is future employers. Everything in my life is SO geared toward getting work in America, it's like my whole life hinges off that shaky possibility. I continue to work in computing for that reason. I read the geek news sites every day so i'm up-to-the-minute on all the latest technology for that reason. I follow the economic indicators in the US religiously. I'm constantly re-writing my resume in my head, thinking of which aspects i'll highlight depending on what job i go for. I wonder if my current job is leading me into a rut where i won't know the technologies that companies are looking for.

Some of you know the problems i have with my identity and how sometimes i'd really like to do something about that, maybe make some changes, who knows, but i always stop myself because i know it will hurt my chances of finding work.

There's gotta be something fucked up about that. Yeah, it's good to plan for the future, but this is wrong. The main problem is it's not a sure thing. If i was happy in this country i'd say yeah, whatever, do what i want because i know i'll have social security to catch me if things go wrong. If things go wrong in America i'm deported and can never come back. What am i supposed to do? Does anyone else worry about FUTURE employment?
Tags: anxiety, career

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