amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

something happened in 2004

Today i had grand plans. Actually i just had little plans. But i couldn't even manage those. Instead i ended up sitting on the couch importing my MySpace blog and then tagging other random journal entries till the beginning of 2004. That was nerdy. I will do the rest some other time.

I wasn't even really reading the entries, just sort of looking for keywords to tag, but it was clear something changed in 2004. And didn't really change back till last year. I don't know if it was alcohol or drug related or where my head was, but it was fucking shit. My writing style changed, the things i wrote about changed, it's kinda creepy, almost like reading someone else's life.

In therapy i've been mostly talking about my most immediate problems because i don't have the money to keep it up for more than a couple months and delve into everything. I've got this list of issues i need to figure out right fucking now, but the last session opened this box into my past. Actually i never really closed it, and the circumstances of the last few months have been stirring up all these emotional memories that just blew it wide open. I know you aren't supposed to dwell in the past, and i'm not really, but it's amazing how many of my "issues" are rooted in guilt and fear and sadness about shit that happened a long time ago.

Last night i watched the last few episodes of Wonderfalls till about 3am and then proceeded to cry till about 4:30am when somehow i passed out. Crying over this stuff isn't unusual, it's been going on for years. You know my life experiences have made me such a wonderful person, really, there is so much i am proud of and am happy about in myself... But they've also left me with these deep emotional scars that i can't even begin to figure out how to live with sometimes. When life is on it's just on and it's not a problem - it just adds color, but right now? In this depressive episode, with my anxiety coming back, with all these familiar day-to-day concerns, it snowballs.

I want so badly to write more but .. i can't. That's a fear thing too. It's not really real if i don't write the words. No one can hear me whispering.
Tags: crazy, looking back

  • you guys, it's happening!

    I just booked my first vaccine appointment! Two weeks ahead of the schedule they laid down earlier in the year, which said my age group was going to…

  • Sunday Funday photo

    Taken near the church on the rez. The line is the CN branch that heads down to the Okanagan. It used to extend all the way to Kelowna, but that…

  • A glimpse at my day - Kamloops, BC - 2021-04-23

    This may be the biggest glimpse at my day yet. 30+ photos below the cut. I needed to document this lockdown life. Apologies to those who also…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.