amw

Today i had grand plans. Actually i just had little plans. But i couldn't even manage those. Instead i ended up sitting on the couch importing my MySpace blog and then tagging other random journal entries till the beginning of 2004. That was nerdy. I will do the rest some other time.

I wasn't even really reading the entries, just sort of looking for keywords to tag, but it was clear something changed in 2004. And didn't really change back till last year. I don't know if it was alcohol or drug related or where my head was, but it was fucking shit. My writing style changed, the things i wrote about changed, it's kinda creepy, almost like reading someone else's life.

In therapy i've been mostly talking about my most immediate problems because i don't have the money to keep it up for more than a couple months and delve into everything. I've got this list of issues i need to figure out right fucking now, but the last session opened this box into my past. Actually i never really closed it, and the circumstances of the last few months have been stirring up all these emotional memories that just blew it wide open. I know you aren't supposed to dwell in the past, and i'm not really, but it's amazing how many of my "issues" are rooted in guilt and fear and sadness about shit that happened a long time ago.

Last night i watched the last few episodes of Wonderfalls till about 3am and then proceeded to cry till about 4:30am when somehow i passed out. Crying over this stuff isn't unusual, it's been going on for years. You know my life experiences have made me such a wonderful person, really, there is so much i am proud of and am happy about in myself... But they've also left me with these deep emotional scars that i can't even begin to figure out how to live with sometimes. When life is on it's just on and it's not a problem - it just adds color, but right now? In this depressive episode, with my anxiety coming back, with all these familiar day-to-day concerns, it snowballs.

I want so badly to write more but .. i can't. That's a fear thing too. It's not really real if i don't write the words. No one can hear me whispering.