amw (amw) wrote,

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exploring the julia set

Okay i feel like i'm actually getting less coherent in my writing lately. One of the many reasons i am posting more here these days is because i am enjoying using it as a way to improve my writing. It's not Shakespeare, but hopefully it's not xxxALIS BLOG OMGZ0RZxxx either. Sometimes, though, i reread things i wrote the day before and it's like it's circular and didn't really end up making a point.

I guess that's what happens when your mind gets into these spirals. Not necessarily downward spirals, just those thoughts that lead you round and round but never get you anywhere. I guess a true spiral would eventually get to the root of the problem, but my thoughts are too fractacular - zoom in and they just keep spiraling some more.

Today i really wanted a cigarette. I didn't buy one, and aside from a naughty one i had just before leaving Australia it's been well over a year now. I wonder if i'll get to a point where i sit here writing about how it's been well over a year since my last drink. Perhaps. The more i look back, the more upset and embarrassed i get over stupid things i did, stupid things i said... I always thought it was okay because i wasn't an angry drunk, but i was a stupid one and invariably woke up regretting the night before. I went through a phase where i was really into cocktails, like the ingredients and techniques of making amazing drinks. I wish i could continue that as a hobby without feeling like it'll come back and bite me one night when i'm home alone miserable and decide to get wasted on a $60 bottle of vodka. Right now it's been a few months and i have no intention of breaking that.

You know when you start over-analyzing everything? Like, maybe i don't have a problem, i just cut loose now and then, it's no big deal... Or maybe i do have a problem and i should avoid even having it in the house so i don't slip... Or maybe that would just create unnecessary anxiety, trying to force that lifestyle on myself... That's me at the moment, second-guessing every decision i make because i'm scared it'll be the wrong one, scared i'll make a mistake and lose everything. Really it's the fear itself that's the problem.

Wow, i really love this song. Sometimes iTunes random 25 picks some awesome stuff.
Tags: crazy

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