amw (amw) wrote,

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the stygian pit they call "down under"

Yesterday i canceled my August 12 return flight to Australia. I can't afford to fly back here from either Melbourne or LA right now. The return stays valid till March 12, so for a fee i could still use it down the track. I'm still pretty bummed i had to spend $1000 extra on a pointless return ticket just to show to immigration, but it's all part of the game. Trying to do this by the book.

I need to build faith. Faith in me, faith in other people. Learn how to trust again. I think that's going to be a first step to getting over the anxiety. I've begun to fall into this trap where i expect the worst from everyone, from every event. I'm not as paralyzed by fear as i used to be, but instead my interactions, my life has become dreamlike because i'm not really "there". I don't feel comfortable enough to be.

I had a full term of two classes at school and i didn't make friends, didn't get any phone numbers, didn't even learn anyone's name. I talked to them without saying anything at all. What's the point of getting to know people when they never stick around anyway? Bla bla bla anxiety whiny bitch poor me. Aside from with J, the only places i talk for real are here and in the odd email to family and old friends. I need to get over the fear of revealing more of myself to new people, or even to old people who i lost somewhere along the way.

I guess i'm scared people will think i'm boring. Or alternatively that i'm saying shit just to be interesting. Anything about standing out, i don't want to stand out. It's bad enough already being tall and unusual-looking. I don't want to be the tall one, the crazy one, the sober one, the nerd, the trannie, the pom, the yank, the immigrant... labeled by anything that will make me different and vulnerable.

And the thing is... just because something makes me different doesn't mean i'm vulnerable. Lots of things make lots of people different and that's just the way life is and it's okay. But it didn't always used to be. I spent so much of my childhood in New Zealand being teased and bullied because i was different. Then I spent most of my adult years in Australia feeling pushed to the fringe of society because my values were so different from the norm over there - i only ever felt like i fit in when i was drinking (go figure). I have grown to hate those countries with such a vicious passion, i just have too many negative associations there. So now i'm in another country but i'm still holding on to that fear that's been drummed into me year after year after year, that no one will ever get me, that i'll never fit in, and if i try i'll just be ostracized. And at the same time i'm terrified that Canadian immigration will feel the same way and come November i'll be sent back to die in that fucking hole. Now that's paralyzing.
Tags: crazy

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