amw (amw) wrote,

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God, i'm a fucking basket case

This morning i was considering taking the plunge and paying for the next term of school on my credit card, letting myself slide back into debt for the first time since 2006.

I was in debt for 4 long years mostly due to trips to America and school fees. I hated it, every day i felt bad about it because i knew it was hanging over me, stopping me from being able to do the things i wanted to do. On the one hand i saw the expenses as necessary to get my degree, to get H-1B sponsorship, to move to America and be with T. On the other hand by the end i couldn't afford to fly up and see her any more (much less move) until i paid it off. There were so many little paradoxes like that back then, i fell into this impossible situation where no matter what happened i was going to fail.

Now i am scared of debt. On the one hand going to school i might find something i really love to do and empower myself to change my career for the better. On the other hand i will lose the financial buffer i need to be able to step into an entry-level position in another career anyway. I could just have faith i'll find a job that i enjoy that pays enough to cover the debt, make my final installment to the lawyer and provide a living wage. But the last time i went on faith it failed - sure, i got the good job and paid off the debt, but i lost T, i never saw her and i still haven't been able to move back to America. So here's the fear this time: i might get the job but i won't be able to pay the lawyer, or make rent, and i'll end up back in fucking Australia, or at the very least back in software development. Circles, circles, you see, it all keeps coming back to the same old shit.

And it's all worst-case scenario. I mean, really, is my Canadian wife going to let me get sucked back over the Pacific never to return? Am i really going to not push for a second job or move back with the parents or get a loan if i need to? Fuck, and who cares if my current school leads nowhere and i stay in software development? Most people i know aren't doing what they did in school. Hell, the only thing my degree got me was my shitty job in 2006. I suffered through years of school just for that, but it led to my next (and better) job which ultimately led to being able to afford to be here in Canada right now. So what the fuck? Life always ends up taking you on the right path even if it sucks along the way. Problem is i don't want my life to suck any more. I don't want more pain, more guilt, more sadness, more regret. I am fucking sick of that shit and i am ready to keep with this happy thing because it kinda rocks ass. So maybe i'm just scared of losing my happiness i have now, of having to go through some more suck and ending up happy in a way i never expected. I don't like things turning out not how i expect.
Tags: crazy

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