amw (amw) wrote,

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Actually i need to rephrase what i said yesterday. I don't like things turning out not how i expected when i really fucking care about them, when they're dreams close to my heart. I've been in Canada almost 5 months and i expected i would've done a whole bunch of freelance work for my boss by now, gotten at least a month's salary out of it. Instead i have given him scraps, i haven't written to him to explain myself and i do not care. I don't care i didn't earn the money, i don't care i might be losing his respect, i don't even care i might be jeopardizing my future in the industry. I can always tell the paths ahead of me that i really care about because if i don't take them i do care - it hurts.

It hurt when my dream of going to college in America was dashed by moving to Australia in 1997. It hurt when i gave up my dream of writing music, changed my philosophy major to applied science and got a "real job" in 1999. A lot of things hurt in the 10 years after that, a lot of dreams i lost and wrong turns i took, i don't even want to start because i'll be in tears all night. Is part of growing up learning that sometimes you will never achieve your dreams? That things you want, things you believe so much in your heart are going to be in your future just... aren't? And now, with my future completely in the hands of some Canadian government bureaucrat, i am scared to even start dreaming. And if you don't dream there's no motivation to do, well, anything.

Fuck depression, fuck it in the ass.

I guess no matter how much it hurt, every decision i've made, every dream i lost, every path i took ended up getting me here today and really my life isn't so bad. How many people get the chance to not work for 5 months, to write in their journals and take some classes and just bum around trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives? And how many of those get an amazing wife and a loving (albeit smothering) family to boot? Fuck, that life is some people's dreams! I really have nothing to complain about except my own pathetic mental state. And goddamnit, i need to get it under control already.

And as depressing as it might be to read, writing helps me get it under control. I write to you, but i write for me. See now it's 3:20am but i can finally go to sleep.
Tags: crazy

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