amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

seriously, trying

I'm lying on the couch trying to do some of those mind-focusing exercises, trying to relax myself so i don't freak out over every little thing. So i don't lie awake all night stressing out about weird and insignificant stuff. And all i can think about is how this couch for me when we got our own place it's like my sanctuary, finally, finally i have a place i can call home, call my own, where i can relax. But for J it's like finally, finally she has a place she can bring all her friends and family to, have this couch as some kind of rotating fucking door for random people. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick to the stomach, i am trying so hard not to have a panic attack over the idea of having to share this apartment with someone else. I feel like it could kill me.

I just read my dad's eulogy for his dad. In some ways he was a polar opposite to me, his doors open to everyone. In that respect i inherited a lot more from my mother's side, the intense privacy. I wonder what kind of person i would be if i wasn't so terrified of having to interact with other people, of having them in my space. I wonder what it would be like to not even consider it "my" space, but just to see the whole world as one big common. Just trying to conceive of it is making me shake uncontrollably.

I guess i will try go back to focusing my mind again. It's like whack-a-mole, deal with one thing, another one pops up, then the first one pops back up again. It's good to be exposing all this stuff, better to deal with it now than not at all, but man. Be nice to take a break once in a while. I am going to eat sugar free raspberry jello.
Tags: crazy

  • the forecast still isn't great

    In the past 2 months there has been about 10mm of rain. Most of which fell at the start of June, before the record-breaking heatwave. In July we had…

  • the forecast is not looking good

    You remember my last couple of photos i posted with me or my bike against some blue sky? Yeah, they're the only couple of days in the last month or…

  • i'm getting itchy feet

    I am ready to go! All of the stuff that i really needed to start this bike tour safely has arrived. The only things i don't have that i probably…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.