amw (amw) wrote,

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all quiet on the northern front

I have written much less the last week or two. I keep starting to write and then i don't like what i was writing so i stop. Nothing that's coming out really captures anything that i'm feeling. I think i'm a little out of touch at the moment. Also last week in therapy i started learning some exercises. They're helping me to calm down a bit so i'm not sitting here in tears typing up heart-felt entries because i never get to that point.

That's one thing that is scary to me, that when i start getting my shit together i won't be able to feel any more. So many times in the past i've thrown myself completely into work or some other pursuit to avoid certain thoughts, certain feelings. There's this fine line between dealing with shit healthily and just pushing it into a little box and focusing on something - anything - else. Some things i've been able to do that with and other things i haven't... The ones i haven't all came bursting out of the box over the past few months and now i'm having to learn how to deal with them healthily anyway. It's either that or drown, and i don't want to die.

You can wear this stuff like a cloak, you know, get so identified with being a mess that you feel naked when you're not. Sometimes i look at myself and go hey, if i wasn't anxious or depressed or this or that, if i didn't hate my job... what would i have left? Well that's the 64 million dollar question. I'd have a whole bunch of dorkiness. And romance. A passion for music, movies, food, travel, politics. Possibly even a shred of spirituality still worth a damn. Lots of good stuff. I guess i'm really not as one-dimensional as i feel sometimes.
Tags: crazy

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