amw

After my last entry i proceeded to get sucked into a hole. I have this thing where sometimes i fall into almost like a trance, researching everything i can about a particular topic... In the past week i've been through topics like Middle Eastern drumming, Japanese knives, the city of Buffalo, rave music in the 90s, making cheese at home, "global nomads", volunteer jobs in Toronto and today UHF television antennae. In fact, the topic of antennae was apparently so fucking exciting that i forgot to do any of the things i wanted to do today, including go to my drum group at 6pm. I am so fucking pissed at myself!!!

I just don't know what to do any more. I get so distracted and caught up in things, and that's precisely what i was talking about this morning where i get so involved that i can't think about anything else and i start forgetting about dealing with issues, dealing with life, with normal stuff like eating, sleeping, going to a fucking rehearsal i've been looking forward to all week...

I mean, i already fucked it up once - earlier this week i booked a trip to Buffalo to renew my visa today. It was J who had to remind me i had something on tonight so i had to call hotels.com and reschedule for next week Friday instead. And now i missed it anyway! Fuck!

And you know, it wouldn't be so bad if all these things i got so caught up in i actually could fucking stick with long enough that i could show some kind of achievement at the end of it. But, you know, God forbid i ever finish anything, or even start something at this rate. Instead i'm filling my brain up with millions of random facts that i'll never use. I fucking want to throw my computer out the window, my skin is burning and i want to pull it off, graaar! Fuck!!!