amw (amw) wrote,

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Today i walked to the grocery store, got a little sun-kissed. It's summer proper here now, the storms seem to have gone for a bit and now it's popping up to around 30C/85F with nice humidity. I had my iPod on, listening to music that makes me happy, just wandering down these streets that are now my local hood. It was such a good feeling. I got the urge to play some ball. Perhaps i should look back into pick-up games at community centers around town.

One of my favorite new shows is Louis Theroux's documentary series. The ones i'm watching at the moment are 10 years old, but he's still putting them out now. He's a nerdy Brit who travels around America finding interesting subcultures and scenes that are uniquely American. Each show he tries to immerse himself in that bizarre or extreme corner of society; he's always a fish out of water but stays a good enough sport that the subjects really get to trusting him. It's wonderful television.

In some ways i've felt a bit like that wherever i ended up. Dipping my toe into this subculture and that, sometimes i jumped all the way in for a year or two, but never really stuck around. Usually i think i end up leaving because i lose faith in whatever it is, become jaded about the whole thing. Sometimes, though, it's like Louis Theroux - i just want to dive in quickly and have a look around just to see how it all works, just to understand. The last regular sceney thing i did was go to lesbian bars in 2007. I was getting close to 30 and had never really done the singles thing, so why not? It was fun, interesting, now i know what it's about and have a bit more perspective and bla bla bla.

J is actually out tonight with a new friend she met at work doing the lesbian singles thing. She's different, though, she actually enjoys going to bars and chatting to random people without angling to pick them up. I met some girls like that when i was out on the scene and i couldn't figure it out. Like, if you want to chat or meet people, why not do it in an environment where you have a common interest rather than just because you're the same sexuality? If you're not at a lesbian bar for the drugs or the sex then ... well, to me there's not much else there. And that's fascinating, i think, how even immersing yourself in a scene you still may never really "get it", not the way other people do, because everyone sees it as something different.

I remember i used to go to the gay clubs in 2000 because they played hard and fast music i liked to dance to and i felt safe there. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't do drugs, didn't get laid, so i was like the one person in the joint who was just there to dance the night away. Going back to the very same clubs 5 or 6 years later with alcohol and drugs and other plans in my head, the music hadn't changed, the people hadn't changed, but i experienced it completely differently. And as fucking moronic as it all was, it's still something else i understand better now and i feel like a richer person because of it.

And yet these days i have no desire to go out and experience all there is to experience any more. There are a lot of things i still want to do, definitely, but i don't need to experience every stupid fucked up thing just to know it's stupid and fucked up. Perhaps that comes from loving yourself a bit more, you don't feel like you need to abuse your body or mind so much. There's so much else out there, like good music, warm summer days, sweating on the court or the dancefloor... And there are a lot of little crews and cliques to explore that celebrate those things. I was always scared of that, of being one of the normal people, the boring people... But i'm not normal or boring so well, fuck. I completely lost where i was going with this.

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