amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

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rambling

Let's see if it works better in the mornings.

I had a wake-up call a week or two back when i was lying on the couch and tried to move my legs so J could sit down or get up or something. My knee cramps were back. It was weird because i haven't felt them since 2006ish. Something inspired me to visit a physio back then and after several months of daily stretching and exercising finally this cramp i'd had all my life subsided. For the next couple years i struggled with other ailments - first my stabbing liver pain they never figured out what it was, then a sprained ankle and most recently a lower back injury. Through it all i tried to stay dancing, playing ball, pushing myself. Perhaps i pushed myself a bit too hard here and there, but i didn't always want to give up.

One of the best things about not working has been not having to hunch over a desk all stressed out, feeling my back slowly fix itself simply from relaxation. Unfortunately it seems all the inactivity has cramped up my knees again. Instead of just bitching about it, though, i actually started a basic routine i've been following each morning. At the moment it's just 10 minutes of leg stretches, ankle exercises, squats and push-ups, but it's a start. My cramps are getting a little better, and i'm already feeling more flexible. The trick is keeping up with these little time investments in my health.

I've had trouble doing that in the past, keeping up. Like, even though i never missed a game of basketball out of choice, sometimes my body just wouldn't let me play. Was it because sometimes i'd neglect my exercise routine at home? Every time i pick up the guitar ostensibly to start playing for real again i practice regularly for a few months and then give it up. Every time i start writing journal pages regularly (not always online) it lasts a few months and then i stop. It's almost like i'm afraid to actually get shit done. Like God forbid i try really hard to become a great guitar player and then it turns out i'm really not. Or i write every day to help sort my shit out and it uncovers something that leaves me even more of a mess. Or maybe whatever i'm spending time on actually inspires me to do something else that i didn't think it would and then what would i do? I mean, i wouldn't be me any more, right? Ha! Though i think more often i just stop for no apparent reason whatsoever. I get distracted. Life gets in the way.

It's so silly. And because of these weird moods everything ends up taking years and years longer to get done than it "should". I guess the point is eventually it does get done. It took me 7 years to get a 3-year degree, it ain't worth much but i did finish it, goddamnit. Perhaps i should have a little pride in that. J hung her film school diploma on the wall yesterday and i realized i've never had the urge to display my school or professional qualifications. I've always seen education as a means to an end rather than an accomplishment in itself. Especially because growing up i was always the brain, it was just expected that i'd get top marks in high school, that i'd go to college and get some nerdy degree. The thing was, it was actually a fucking struggle to make it through high school, through college. Perhaps not always academically, but emotionally it was extremely trying. It wasn't as easy for me as everyone thought it was.

It's funny, the only thing i did much faster than everyone else i ended up regretting for years. Perhaps it's just the pace my body, my brain is supposed to work, i need to have all these false starts and breaks. It's scary to think of it that way, like i shouldn't get upset with myself if can't maintain 110% 24/7. If it takes me 3 years to nail a triplet pattern on my drum, 20 years to have 20-point game, 50 years to visit the 50 states, who fucking cares? As long as i still have my dreams i'll work for them, however glacially. So i'm gonna let myself feel good about what i'm doing now, the exercise, the drumming, the school, and i'm not going to beat myself up that i haven't joined a basketball team yet or this or that. It's okay.
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