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amw
I think too much. Yeah, i know, "duh", right? I wouldn't have so much crap to spew forth on this journal if i didn't. The thing is it's compulsive. When i am depressed or anxious i think too much on the same unhealthy things, when i'm not i don't even know what the hell i'm thinking about but it's like a hail of machine gun bullets ricocheting round in my head. I'm realizing that's why i like to cook, why i like to pick up an instrument, why i like to exercise, dance, clean, play ball. They're such grounding experiences for me because there's a large physical component, they help me focus my mind. The days i fill with those activities are the days i feel the healthiest.

It's also why i find it so hard to work as a software developer. I've turned my job - one that requires a strong mental focus - into one of those unhealthy things like i compulsively ponder on when i'm depressed. It sucks me into that paralyzing sense of numbness, even if emotionally i am feeling fine. But i know other people can do it, hold down mentally demanding careers without becoming zombies... I mean there are two ways to look at it: either this is an extra challenge i have because of being bipolar, or i just never learned how to ground myself when working on exclusively cerebral tasks. Maybe it's a bit of both. To address the former i could look at a different career. The latter i'm working on in therapy. It kind of needs to come to a head soon, though, because it's going to impact what i do in a couple months time.

If money were no object i'd change careers regardless because software development and office work in general is soul-destroying anyway, but i kind of need the money to pay for healthcare and fund my other interests. So... can i do it?
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It's probably a bit of both but it's leaning a bit more heavily towards the being bi-polar thing. It's a symptom of the disease and something you will find quite common in other people that are also bi-polar. You know that racing thoughts thing? It's not always super out of control racing thoughts there are levels to it and I think even while medicated there is a low roar of too much crap going on it the brain most of the time. I just drove home from my mom's house and my brain did not shut up the entire fucking time. So this is why you have to make time every single day for one of the activities that sticks you into your body and less in your mind. If you don't it builds up like steam because even if you are writing the thoughts out you are still in the process of that continual grinding ya know what I mean? Dance, walk, drum whatever that gets different chemicals working and seats you further into your body. This is why I shall shut up now and go practice.

also, that sounded really "let me school you on bi-polar brain crap" which is lame. Not how I intended it. I mean in my experience this is what I, myself have to do.

Don't worry i got what you meant. You're probably right. Something i wonder about is how to fit it into a career, like should that be something i try to look for in my job too, or can i still do a "brain" job but just try cool it down on break or at lunch? Either way i need to learn more balance in my life i guess.

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