amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

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sparkles

I think too much. Yeah, i know, "duh", right? I wouldn't have so much crap to spew forth on this journal if i didn't. The thing is it's compulsive. When i am depressed or anxious i think too much on the same unhealthy things, when i'm not i don't even know what the hell i'm thinking about but it's like a hail of machine gun bullets ricocheting round in my head. I'm realizing that's why i like to cook, why i like to pick up an instrument, why i like to exercise, dance, clean, play ball. They're such grounding experiences for me because there's a large physical component, they help me focus my mind. The days i fill with those activities are the days i feel the healthiest.

It's also why i find it so hard to work as a software developer. I've turned my job - one that requires a strong mental focus - into one of those unhealthy things like i compulsively ponder on when i'm depressed. It sucks me into that paralyzing sense of numbness, even if emotionally i am feeling fine. But i know other people can do it, hold down mentally demanding careers without becoming zombies... I mean there are two ways to look at it: either this is an extra challenge i have because of being bipolar, or i just never learned how to ground myself when working on exclusively cerebral tasks. Maybe it's a bit of both. To address the former i could look at a different career. The latter i'm working on in therapy. It kind of needs to come to a head soon, though, because it's going to impact what i do in a couple months time.

If money were no object i'd change careers regardless because software development and office work in general is soul-destroying anyway, but i kind of need the money to pay for healthcare and fund my other interests. So... can i do it?
Tags: career, crazy
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