amw (amw) wrote,

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spooky things

Yesterday was the first day of fall. I guess something pushed summer's last gasp a little further, because it was a warm and humid day - as was the day before. Last week we changed the summer blanket to a heavy winter duvet, but it was clearly too early. The heat made it hard for me to sleep, and when i did i had weird nightmares involving psychosis and flashes between a sex scene and a bloodied animated corpse. I woke up and flailed around hyperventilating. It's always my biggest fear - to lose touch with reality - and dreams are the one place that happens daily. It's why sometimes i am scared to go to sleep, to turn off the light - i'm scared of slipping and sometimes when i close my eyes i feel like i'm already there.

When i woke up for real i put the dreams behind me and decided to go downtown to buy a book. A fortune cookie told me to, you see. On the way home i visited our local Halloween store to get some stuff to put in a care package for my sister. Wandering the store was crazy fun, it was mostly costumes, make-up and haunted house props - not so much of the cute and tacky stuff you can find at dollar stores and Wal-Mart. They had skulls and rats and spiders and a whole freezer full of severed body parts! My favorite was the KFC bucket with a severed head in it. I'm not entirely sure why, but i decided my first purchase for the house was going to be a skull covered in blood staked into the wall. I took it home and no doubt maniacally grinning decided to put it up above the couch.

Needless to say it did not go down well. I've been so excited to have Halloween again, to be able to buy all the props and goodies you can't get in Australia. I know i don't have much cash but in my head i saw the whole house transformed, with spooky ass shit on every turn. I guess realistically i can't afford it, plus i never really bothered to ask what J wanted. A couple months ago she said for me to enjoy myself and go nuts, but i guess she was thinking some ghosties and pumpkins. Which of course i want too. Lots of ghosties and pumpkins. Thinking about it this morning, though, perhaps my definition of going nuts with something can be a bit more "nuts" than most.

So, no haunted house. I find it interesting, though. J likes to watch these fucked up shows and movies about serial killers, like total fucking psychopaths. I hate watching that stuff, it disgusts me and makes me anxious. I have these weird categories in my head of and what does and doesn't phase me, and when something does i've learned to just avoid it. But decorating is different. My spooky house is my spooky house, whatever disturbing shit hangs on the walls is there because i put it there and it's almost like a bit of a "fuck you" to that part of my brain that might otherwise be scared by it. For me i guess Halloween is a fun time for candy corns and apple bobbing, but it's also a time i get to directly face that darker imagery that goes through my head from time to time and take its power away.

But you know, it's not always about me. Maybe this is another thing i will have to save for when i get a little hut of my own. There are downsides to living in a tiny one-bedroom basement. Anywho, gotta go, late for therapy. Wow... as if the rest of the entry didn't make me sound loony enough. Har.
Tags: crazy

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