amw (amw) wrote,

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It's all about the boobs, you see. Things like my voice, my clothing, the way i carry myself - those things change around with my moods. When i am more content i often present as more feminine - it makes life easier in society and my partner and family appreciate it more. When i am less content i hate the whole thing and perhaps deliberately present a more masculine look as some sort of protest. But my body, that's something that stays the same regardless of my mood.

Which is why there are times i seriously consider getting a boob job. It's the one part of my body that is the most unusual given my build - after 10 years of HRT i finally have a couple of small handfuls, but because i am tall and wide they disappear under any type of clothing. Usually i couldn't care less, but sometimes they make me anxious and self-conscious about "passing". Occasionally i feel like if only i had Hollywood tits then maybe i'd be happy all the time, like if my body looked feminine even when i was in a "boy mood" i'd feel more comfortable being treated as a girl.

Well, i don't know whether it's because i've been eating better or if it's because i've started exercising seriously, but lately my boobs are getting perkier and my waist is getting slimmer. When i look in the mirror like i'm looking at someone else i can appreciate the shape of my body going in a healthier direction, but when i re-associate back into myself i can feel my teeth grinding and my throat constricting like i'm getting wrapped tighter and tighter into a cocoon.

It's so odd, the duality that's come into my head as a result of changing my sex. I can be pleased with how i look but feel uncomfortable at the same time. I don't want a boob job any more. It's too much of a headfuck. Getting more in touch with my body was supposed to make me feel happier about it, not more awkward in it. Right now it's doing both and i feel like i'm splitting in two.

Actually with all the various things in my life that split me in two i've gotta be getting up to a thousand-piece puzzle soon. J said i was complex the other day. I never really thought of myself that way, but perhaps i do need a bunch of patience to figure out heh
Tags: gender

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