amw (amw) wrote,

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a good day to dance

I was walking home from the store today carrying some groceries and the sun was peeking through the clouds, the rain had slowed. I was listening to some curly psytrance, lots of weird synthesizer noises darting through the air, between trees and around lamp posts, dripping into puddles. I only started using my iPod to listen to music in the last few months but it already feels quite natural, disappearing into whatever musical whim crosses my mind.

The walk struck me with a sense of deja vu, then kindled memories of a time before iPods were invented. On a similar day i would be walking home with groceries, the music raging in my head, sounds of the city transposed to some wizzy noise against my eardrums. Back then my bags may have been filled with coke and cheese and peanut butter too, but there was probably a bottle of vodka as well. For a moment this old feeling washed over me, i started panicking about coming home to an empty house with no alcohol to entertain myself, thinking what the hell am i going to do all evening? Then a ray of sunshine shot between the buildings, blinding me, and anxiety gave way to bemusement.

This is kind of new for me. J is out in Montreal again this weekend, which is nice because i get a bit of space. I value "me time" so much and it's pretty sad how often that "me time" used to mean me and the bottle, or whatever else was easy to get my hands on. I missed out on a lot of quality time because i wasn't really there! Then again, tonight i snuggled up on the couch to watch Year Zero and it was - perhaps predictably - extremely fucking stupid. The kind of stupid which leaves you thinking if only i'd been wasted this movie would've been hilarious. But time wasted watching a dumb movie still feels better than time spent wasted.

I mean, dude, i was up by 9am this morning to hit the gym for a few hours. The trainer subbing for this weekend got us doing some kickboxing and "real world" self-defense drills that the regular boxing coach doesn't do. I came home bouncing, cooked a big protein-rich breakfast and watched the pilot of Stargate Universe. I've done groceries and studied Spanish and practiced drumming and listened to music and danced and laughed and cried and lived. In a minute i will watch an episode of Breaking Bad, maybe write in my paper journal or do email or read or (shock, horror) go to bed early. Perhaps the storm will start up again and i will be able to fall asleep to the sweet sound of wind, raindrops and thunder. It's after midnight and i am still so present in the moment, and that's what living is all about.

Life is good, it really is. I am happy i don't need to do anything to see that any more... It actually feels good to lucidly, deliberately enjoy things. I'm here, i'm right here in the world and even if i don't have everything i want or need right now i am loving it for what it is, let me love...

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