I have felt a sense of dread building over the past several weeks, knowing that soon i will have to look for a job. It's a bad time of year to look for office work, so i have been telling myself i'll just find holiday work in retail till the snow melts and then think again. But really that's just me avoiding what i need to address. What the fuck am i going to do with my life?
I love the promise IT holds. The main reason i stuck it out in Australia was so i would be able to move to America somewhere down the track. Software development is a good industry for employer sponsorship, and the money helps too. Now... now i still want to move to America and i'm scared if i start at the bottom of some other trade i'll be stuck for five or ten years working up to an equivalent level of proficiency that is recognized for immigration purposes. The last few months has shown me i can live happily with a low income, but i have no idea how to live happily if i let my dreams of getting to America get crushed completely. Too many dreams got crushed already.
Thing is, even if i stay in IT it could be five or ten years till the US recognizes same-sex partnerships for the purpose of immigration anyway. I have that extra responsibility now, i can't just leave here as soon as i get a job that will sponsor me.
Being a grown-up fucking sucks.
This extended break from "real life" i've been having this year has been fucking amazing. There's been an assload of ups and downs, but overall it's been good - i'm growing and learning so much about myself and what makes me happy and who i want to be... But a career? Yeah see that's the part i have trouble with. Inside me there's still that teenager who wants to spend his whole life listening to music and watching movies and reading and writing and being artistic and studying freakin philosophy at college. Seriously. Waaah.