amw (amw) wrote,

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doctor doctor

Tomorrow morning i am going in for my immigration medical. The last time i had a medical was in 2006 when i applied for a job with a casino - they required it of all their applicants. It really upset me at the time and i found the whole thing degrading. Of course at the time i was doing drugs, so i had more reason to be anxious. Previously i had undergone an immigration medical in 1997, before coming to Australia. Then i remember being terrified that i was going to be refused entry to the country due to my drug use. Or, more honestly, i didn't care if i got refused entry but i really didn't want my mom to find out i'd been a chronic stoner through high school. I also had an irrational fear that i might have HIV, it being my first sexual health check and all. I had my last sexual health check 10 years later in 2007, before flying up to Canada to meet J for the first time. I was nervous then, too, but now i know it's normal.

But this medical, i was already having anxiety attacks about it 4, 5 months ago - fearing they wouldn't let me in the country if they knew just how crazy i was. A few weeks ago i had a nightmare that during the medical they discovered i had lung cancer. Of course i am healthier now than i have been in years - mentally and physically - and this is all just more "catastrophizing"... It's because i'm close. Assuming the government believes our relationship is genuine, this is the only remaining hurdle to getting full permanent residence. Fuck, in a few months i could be as Canadian as i ever was Australian (which is to say not very, but still a lot more than none). And if anything fucks up before then... well i can't even bear to think of that.

I have some tendonitis in my right wrist and forearm. I'm not sure if it's from boxing or drumming or basketball or using the computer in bed, but it hurts like a motherfucker and it's making all of those things hard to do. Hopefully the medical won't involve any gripping. And hopefully being sick right now won't show on the chest x-ray. Yeah yeah okay stop worrying. My arm is iced and my throat is lubricated and i'm going to get back under the blanket and pout because i need to get up before 7am. It's just not right. Let me eat cake. Or something.

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