amw

There is this great Canadian show called Being Erica that started early this year. The basic concept is a neurotic thirtysomething underachiever visits a magic shrink who sends her back in time to relive bad experiences from her past so she can try fix them. I have a real soft spot for the show, corny as it can sometimes be, because for years i held on so tight to all my regrets like they were the only things that defined me.

The other day i was watching the show and it occurred to me i never did write a list like our eponymous protagonist did in the first episode. No kidding! For years i held on to my regrets but i never wrote them all down one after the other. It sounds kinda cathartic in itself, so i thought why not? If i could go back and revisit a younger me, which moments would i go back to? There are three major decisions i've long regretted that most people reading my journal already know about, but what about the little things? Yesterday i sat down and wrote down all those things that occasionally still eat away at me. It did actually feel good to do.

As it turns out, a very large proportion of the list involves me either getting intoxicated when i said i wouldn't or doing stupid shit once there. I did a lot of stupid shit when i was manic too but that's a bit different because i don't actually remember doing it (which is a whole nother problem). And other stupid shit i forgive myself for because i was young and didn't know any better. But getting high, getting drunk? That was always my decision and i own the consequences. Over the last couple months sometimes i've questioned my choice to stop drinking altogether - i just kind of did it on a whim earlier this year - but then i look back and i realize why. My most recent regret on the list was a fucked up thing i did while drunk last year that i haven't written about here and probably won't ever. I'm almost 30, man, i can't pass it off as some stupid kid thing any more, there are times i've been that creepy drunk no one wants to hang out with and that's a harsh realization.

So a few nights back i was squeezing some lime on my plate of chicken and plantain and i can't tell you how much i was hanging for a caipirinha to go with, but i cracked a coke instead. When i look at my list i wonder if there will ever be a day i can be responsible with this shit. I guess when you struggle with mental illness and just general self esteem and other issues on a day to day basis the last thing you should do is fuck with your head any more.

Today, today i am kicking back and taking a home day. I will study for my Spanish exam Monday, perhaps do a few sets of ab exercises because the gym is closed for a tournament this weekend, play my drum and listen to music and dance around the house winking at jack-o'-lanterns. Then i will eat candy and hibernate because i am happy and sad all at the same time, plus it's freakin cold.