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finding the balance
singapore sunset
amw
Last night my dumbek teacher suggested our class perform at the dance studio's end-of-year gala. It makes me nervous because we all still suck, a lot, and we will be performing in front of peers - or at least people who know what a decent drum performance is supposed to sound like. Also it's this whole... scene i have stayed away from because T is a belly dancer and just seeing other people dance still gets me all emotionally tangled. Either way, it's going to be a big deal for me to perform but i want to do it, so if my teacher gets his shit together i guess we're on.

I mentioned it to J last night because she usually works Saturdays and would need to book it off if she were to come. First thing she said was "you know who'd like to come, my parents!" It took everything i had not to have a panic attack right there. Playing music is very personal to me. Actually most things are. I know a few months ago i was bitching that no one cared when i did things that i was proud of and i guess this is one reason why. I hold the things i care about so close to me, i don't want to tell anyone how excited i am. I think i'm scared that somehow by sharing it it will get stolen away from me.

When i was a kid one day i decided to take up kung fu. It was the first sport i ever did that was totally my own - i didn't know anyone else in the classes. I enjoyed it and it felt really good. After a while i mentioned to a friend of mine i was doing it and he decided to join up too. Somehow the joy went out of it for me then. Maybe i got discouraged because he was more athletic than me, or perhaps he took it more seriously. He just fit in better than i did. I quit classes, of course - just a month or two after he started - and didn't do any sports for the next 15 years.

I don't know what the root of that fear is. I am so selective with the people i let in, the ones i really share my life with. And i get so devastated when those people don't get how big of a deal it is for me - whether they decide to share my "secrets" with the world or just ignore them altogether (i'm not sure which is worse). It's fucking stupid, really. You know sometimes i even feel weird writing here about what i'm doing because once it's on the web it's out there and i can't take it back. Like this delicate flower i am holding in my hand is going to disintegrate if i let people see it. But when you perform you can't hold it in your hand, it's for everyone and you can't always choose who you give it to. Perhaps the flower leaving your hand doesn't always have to be the one in your heart.
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