amw (amw) wrote,

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mi sueño

I can tell when things are about to get off track. It starts with the odd sleep patterns, and doing and saying things before my mind okays them. I get contrary. I also have a peculiar symptom where my body twitches and contorts uncontrollably. It used to happen a lot, but these days it can go away for months before edging back. It's like my body is getting consumed by the rushing in my mind, it just won't stop and i feel like i need to tear my skin off, turn myself inside out to achieve peace. I need to break through the worst of the noise by experiencing it, expressing it, before i can breathe in the silence. The last week it's been happening more often; this morning i scratched up my neck and chest without noticing and it looks like a cat attacked me.

I watched Sin Nombre today. J has been randomly bringing me home Spanish movies each week. (Did i mention she works at a video store now?) I also watched Sugar and Paraiso Travel recently. They're all about immigration to the US, in some sense. Each time i was brought to tears by the end. There is something very magical, very personal about the American dream for me. So many people in the first world find the idea of moving to America laughable - gays are marginalized, healthcare is a joke, immigration policy is a disaster, the rest of the world resents you... But i still find myself in love with my idea of the American dream - one perhaps quite different to that held by people in less developed countries looking to escape the misery at home, yet one just as beguilingly utopian. I guess i identify on some level.

J and i went to a baseball game at the very beginning of the season, when the Blue Jays were actually winning. They played the American national anthem before the game, which i wasn't prepared for (i only knew about the song with the peanuts and cracker jack). I cried. It was something very special for me to be there, as little as i care for baseball as a sport per se. Perhaps i'm part of the last generation that fell for it, these heroes who saved us from the Nazis and the Communists, the ones who brought us Levi's and Coca-Cola. Of course the American dream is mostly just a romantic notion these days, but i think i'll always live in my own ideal world a tiny bit, even when reality is staring me back in the face. I tend to be a bit of a romantic that way, or perhaps just a dreamer.

There were a lot of things that contributed to M and i breaking up, but i think one of the biggest was that she knew my heart, my dreams lay elsewhere. What scares me is that they still do and even though J knows it and says she'll follow me anywhere i don't know if it's right to pull her away from her family, from her world. For her being apart from them for a few weeks is a long time. Of course, moving is years off being possible for us anyway, so why worry about it now? Perhaps it's on my mind because her family have been back in my face the last couple weeks, or perhaps it's because i'll be overstaying my visa here come Saturday. There are a million things going on in my mind at the moment and they just dart out to play, whether it's something that happened yesterday or will happen tomorrow or in five years. Sometimes it's like time has bent and i'm cutting horizontally across the whole journey, memories mixed with dreams and hopes and experiences of today and i don't know what's what any more.
Tags: crazy

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