Well, not really. Tonight i have a Friday Night Dinner i agreed to go to before finding out i also had to go to a birthday last Sunday and another birthday this Sunday. After a couple months off suddenly i feel like i am drowning in all this family shit again and it is driving me nuts. I always go and put a smile on my face and try enjoy it for what it is, but it makes me so anxious beforehand and i end up so exhausted afterwards. Each time one of these things gets sprung on me it throws my whole week off because instead of focusing on the things i love i have this looming social event i need to mentally prepare for. I need to learn to let go of that stress.
I don't feel nearly as stressed when i need to socialize at a random mixer or with other people where i know where i stand. That's something i've come a long way with. When it comes to J's family, though, it's worse than ever. I hate the gossip machine, i hate that everyone knows my shit before i share it with them, i hate that they ask personal questions or try do nice things for me without really knowing who i am or what i want. I hate that whatever ideas they have in their heads are not based on talking to me or hanging out with me, but on second- or third-hand information mixed with their own assumptions and whatever. I still feel so betrayed that J decided to inform her parents that i have bipolar disorder, as if that was the explanation for me feeling uncomfortable living in their house. (It wasn't.) I don't want their pity or for them to walk on eggshells around me because of something they heard from someone else. I've forgiven her and whatever but that's only one example. I know i've become over-sensitive now, but i'm caught in a spiral - with everything they do they push me further away.
What i really want to do is focus on my drum performance in December. I want to train hard and possibly look into working toward my first fight for March next year. Somehow i need to get some kind of job by then and face and conquer my overwhelming fear that once i start working all the progress i've made in the rest of my life will shatter like so many broken dreams. I want to enjoy a white Christmas, i want to make a snowman and go ice skating under the tree at city hall. I have to do a presentation and take questions - en español - next Monday. Scratch that - i want to do it. I actually want to stand up in front of the class and talk about myself. There are all these exciting things happening in my life that i want to be my first priority, and i feel like i can't even start on them when family drama and obligation keep getting in the way.
I know the expression is you marry the family, not the person. And that you can pick your friends but not your family. I don't buy either saying because interpersonal relationships are a two-way street and when one side isn't committed then it doesn't matter whether the other side "picked" or not. I recently watched an amazing flick called Talk To Her (Hable Con Ella) that was about this very thing and it fucking tore me apart. It sucks to be the one who's put your hand out, waiting, but that's all you can do. On that level i can understand why her family wants to keep trying to engage me, but they don't seem to understand that talking behind my back and putting me in enforced social situations is only making it more difficult for me to open up in the long term. I just can't be forced into it, no one should be - family or not.
This entry is all disjointed, but i have to go to dinner. Sigh.
You know i really do have faith that everything is going to work out somehow. I have to. If you can't believe in something bigger than you then it's hard to believe in yourself.