amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

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it started raining today

M and i had a lot of good times together, a lot of blah times too but not many times when i really felt very unhappy with where things were at. The unhappiest was actually at the beginning. I remember my heart was breaking in a million pieces and i had absolutely no idea how to deal with it because for the first time in years i had to deal with it all alone. I'd told my partner of five years or whatever it was that i couldn't do it any more, that i needed to move on... And although in my head i had started trying to move on and i had all those fortifications built up so i felt strong enough, really i wasn't ready at all. Meanwhile this new girl was obliviously trying to build a relationship with me and i felt so smothered and overwhelmed. I even told her as much, but how could i hope to put feelings so deep into words that would make sense to anyone else? The most important relationship of my life, something so fundamental, my whole fucking world was disintegrating around me and she had no idea how big it was. I guess the irony is the longer she was with me the more she understood and it ended up contributing to our own breakup. Go figure. That memory just came back to me, i think because M's mom was on my mind earlier today. I wonder how she is? My mind has been going a lot of places today. I think it's time to take it to the gym and leave it in a locker for a couple hours.
Tags: looking back
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