amw (amw) wrote,

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still cannot fix this broken machine

Argh my body does not ever let me push it as far as my mind wants to go. Once i got done with the performance all the stress of the last few weeks just whacked me upside the head. Immigration and injuries and money and moodiness... I already had a sore throat walking out of the hall and by the next morning i could barely speak or swallow. Yesterday i felt better, but it was a false recovery because today it's moved to a head cold. I have no energy and my brain hurts.

But i still got my social security number, finished my resume and applied for a couple of jobs, so how good is that? Good like sugar-free jello, let me tell you. For some reason it all made me want to listen to angry music for the first time in a long while. I think there's a very angry little Ali inside me who is still pissed i cast my ass down this career path back in 1999. I am only applying for fixed-term contract positions for now. At least that way i won't need to lie in the interview and pretend like i want to stay in the industry. Once i have money again i want to go back to school for something else.

What something else? I mean, doing a masters, going back to university is something i never wanted to do, but this American dream stole me away again. It's pretty much the only guaranteed way into the country for someone like me. Starting a new career with no masters would most likely leave me stuck in Canada for 10 years or more. Not that i'm in any particular rush to leave - i like it here - but i want to keep my options open. What i'm really scared of is spending another decade of my life feeling so dreadfully trapped by circumstance. It's not like i'm being held in Guantánamo Bay or anything, this is just something i need to do for my own peace of mind, i think, to feel in control of my own destiny (even if really i'm not).

Woo run-on sentence city. This is poor writing because my head is all fuzzy wuzzy right now. Perhaps i should eat something, i'm about to pass out.
Tags: career

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