amw (amw) wrote,

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boy oh boy

Nerd that i am i decided to go back and tag a bunch of old memes. As i flicked quickly back to 2005 i realize what must have been going through my head in 2002 when i deleted a year's worth of journal entries. What a fucking horrible trainwreck. It's embarrassing. God, i hope i don't flick past 2009 in a few years and just shake my head in dismay.

What scares me is that at the time i thought every fucked up stupid thing i did was something incredibly liberating and important i had to do for my personal development, when really all i was doing was pissing away several years achieving nothing at all. This year too, i have been focusing on me, being "selfish", so how do i know it's not going to be more wasted time? I have to come out of this break on a path that's leading somewhere i feel good about. If i don't then all my navel-gazing will end up no more productive than an orgy of escapism. J is pushing me to do the "smart" thing, to go back to IT, to get a job where i can earn a ton of money and maybe down the track study something different... I know i can live a really comfortable life that way, but there will always be something missing. There's something missing now.

Friday night for the first time in years someone referred to me as an artist and i can't even put into words how good that felt. I haven't created shit in i don't know how long, but for out-of-the-blue someone i barely know to intuitively see that in me... It brought back a lot of hopes and dreams i buried so long ago, and it brought back a tiny bit of that emotional and spiritual support i so carelessly tossed away in 2005. I need to rebuild my life, take a hold of it and make it mine again. I need to reopen that part of me because it is crying behind glass right now. My pragmatic side keeps saying i don't want to be a starving artist, i don't want to fuck up my chances of moving to America, i don't want that lifestyle, whatever. Sometimes i forget there are voices that have to sing.

Oh wait, am i sounding manic? Never mind.

See, that's the curse.
Tags: career

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