amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

time to breathe

Haw. So tonight i had this grand plan of digging up some old writing of mine where i described what i was feeling on New Year's 1999/2000, but it seems that's another hole in my brain. I was sure i had written something and posted it on my website, but it doesn't exist anywhere in my backups or on either, so perhaps it was all in my head. It probably sucked anyway. On the upside, i did find a bunch of my old music while combing the backups, so i have something to both inspire me and depress me. Somehow i spent 10 years writing no new music at all. Awesome.

Earlier today i had some fun, though, visiting the beach in the rain. It was icy cold and i froze my butt off sitting on a rock waiting for sunset, but the wind and the solitude helped clear my mind. When sunset came, it didn't. The sky was so overcast the world turned to slate. A lot of people here hate the winter and early spring because from the sky to the streets everything is the same dirty shade, but to me it has its own beauty. It's like a million tiny mirrors - when you don't look for the edges you just see your own psyche reflected back. I look for the edges. I love the breaks, the lines.

Ten years ago i was alone too, alone in my apartment with a bottle of champagne and a well of regret and self-loathing. I've spent the decade emptying that well of darkness and letting the sun shine in, though the odd bucket still comes up black. Back then i hoped the new millennium would bring bliss as i finally stepped into the new me - a charmed life surrounded by beautiful things and beautiful people. That's what dreams are made of when you read too much Vogue. Of course i didn't get the happiness i hoped for from my new life; i didn't get the glamor, i didn't get the girl. Tonight i still have my regrets, i still have my dreams, and i'm once again about to step into a new life. In my current emotional swing that symmetry is oddly pleasing.
Tags: looking back

  • Also, the trans community isn't bullshit.

    I mean, we're not a monolith. There are left wing trans people and right wing trans people and activist trans people and politically disinterested…

  • i was doing so well

    It's been a few weeks since i drank more than one or two beers. Like, that's how i control it, i only buy one or two, and then i only drink one or…

  • the trans community is bullshit

    Except... it isn't quite bullshit. I am done being trans. Being trans was so fucking 20 years ago. I decided i wanted to be a girl, i did my…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.