amw (amw) wrote,

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time to suffocate

It's amazing how quickly the pendulum can swing back. I got the obligatory midnight call from J, and she told me she was bringing a friend back to crash on the couch. It wasn't a surprise - we'd talked about the possibility already a couple weeks ago - but i still hoped. All my built-up peace, my calm, my happiness got torn down in just one phone call. Happy fucking New Year.

I migrated into the bedroom with all the things that make me feel good - my computer, the books i'm reading at the moment, my paper journal, Vogue, iPod, Diet Coke... I spent the next couple hours reading and then went to sleep shortly after they arrived. Or i tried. Something i didn't write about yesterday because it felt like whining is that i started getting really bad cramps in the morning. Everything i ate tied my stomach up tighter, and in the end i spent most of the day sipping water and nibbling at grated apple and Graham crackers. That continued into the night, so i wore pajamas to bed in case i needed to do an emergency run to the bathroom in front of our guest. I fucking hate sleeping with clothes on, so that just made it even harder to relax.

Waking up this morning i wrote some very cranky pages in my morning journal and then curled into a fetal position to ease the pain in my abdomen. When J woke up she told me i should just go to the bathroom, make some coffee, do my usual routine, but she doesn't get it. I just can't fucking deal with having people in my house. Especially not overnight and when i don't know how long they are going to stay. I want my privacy, my solitude, my space... The aura of a safe home is something i need to keep myself stable, sane. When another person is thrown into that everything just swirls and i start losing it. I know this, i know it and i've spent most of my adult life trying to "fix" it and i'm no closer now than ever so perhaps this is just one of those deep-seated anxieties i have to live with.

I told J when we met that this was probably my biggest issue, i've never hidden it from her or made her expect it'd be any different, but it still frustrates her. Although December was my best month of the year in general, J and i had probably our worst fights of the year too because of four fucking social events - Christmas/Hanukkah at her uncles' (19th), dinner at her grandmother's (21st), birthday at her parents' (30th) and New Year's Eve. I hate going over to people's houses almost as much as i hate having people at my house. It's the same issues in reverse - i don't want to be messing up anyone else's space. And with her family there's also being stuck in the suburbs, feeling obliged to accept lifts as if we're fucking schoolchildren, having to socialize with large groups... It's always about feeling trapped, forced behind a mask, forced into a situation where i can't get out. Fuck it, fuck it all.

Meeting in the middle is one of my biggest problems in relationships. I can do it for stuff like food, music, TV, home decor - even cleaning - but i struggle trying to compromise when it comes to my emotional and mental issues. I have a very hard time ignoring or conquering my anxieties when it's for someone else. I mean, obviously. It's not like i haven't already spent years trying to work on them for me. I forget most people don't see mental health issues as being "real" problems. It's just hey pull yourself together, cheer up, get over it. And it's never that easy or there wouldn't be a problem in the first place. I know sometimes i can be very fucking difficult to live with but goddamnit... sometimes i just can't help that.
Tags: crazy, rants

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