amw (amw) wrote,

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new ramble, same as the old ramble

It's been an emotionally tumultuous week. It started out with my contract hanging by a thread because my client's client compared our ballpark quote to ones out of India and got a nasty reality check of how much it really costs to develop software in Canada. It looks like i still have work, for now, but it was touch-and-go through the middle of the week.

Wednesday i also broached one of my elephants with my shrink - why i am still so fascinated by America and long to move there. The basic reason is clear - i moved around so many different places as a kid that i always felt like the outsider and never had the chance to put down roots. The only consistent thing in my life was the media coming out of America - movies, TV, music, news, internet - so i made that mine. The thing is, even if i got a green card tomorrow and lived there the rest of my life it'd still never really be "home", or not the way i romanticize it. Having changed my sex i know all too well how that works - you end up never truly understanding either side because your experience leads to a different perspective on both. That's not a bad thing, but it might not be the thing you hoped for. Yet despite knowing this, i can't just drop a dream i've had for 20 years, even as it keeps influencing so many decisions in my life. I don't know what to do.

Yesterday i got an amazing surprise in the form of a birthday gift from an unexpected person. I guess i really do have a new friend. I almost cried because it was so thoughtful and beautiful, and something that really means a lot for where i'm at right now. It's been a very long time since anyone gave me a gift like that.

I couldn't even hug her, you know, to say thanks. I was speechless to start with, but even when i settled i felt like there was a bubble around me i couldn't burst. It seems i've let myself become very physically isolated again. I finally started breaking through all those barriers over the last few years, but coming to Canada has brought them all back. I wonder if it's because when i first came here i felt so smothered and misunderstood by J's family that i started withdrawing again, from everyone.

I had a nightmare last night that one of J's relatives died so we went up for the funeral and her family was annoying me so much i had to get the fuck out of there. Of course when i sat down at a restaurant and spilled my woes to the owner it turned out she was another distant cousin who'd been waiting to meet me. I woke up fluttering with mild anxiety that only got worse when i remembered i agreed to a Friday Night Dinner tonight to placate their calls to do some kind of birthday event for me.

I can't help but think back to the last birthday dinner i had - not the one with my friends in 2008 that i organized, but the one in 2002 that i didn't. I remember we had gone up to T's mom's house... It didn't really click till someone wished me a happy birthday. I was so taken by surprise that they'd even notice or care. My family never really celebrated my birthday after i was about 12 or 13. I guess i shouldn't be surprised that J's family gives a shit too, but i feel so distant after everything that happened over the first few months of living here that i can't think of anyone i'd want to celebrate with less. Especially this year.

We were originally planning to go to NYC, you see, but that plan died in the ass when my immigration status got left in limbo. Not to mention the whole being-broke thing. Thankfully i received a "decision made" letter Monday so all i am waiting for now is my landing interview, plus i am starting to work... We still won't have the money to make it on vacation for a while, but i am pondering treating myself by going out clubbing next weekend. Actually i don't even want to start on thinking about next weekend right now, i'm fragile enough as it is. Fucking hell. Stupid dates.

I'll feel better when i've made it through the dinner tonight, no doubt this is mostly just the usual anxieties running wild. Blar.
Tags: crazy

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