amw (amw) wrote,

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the worst time to run out of coke

I was a fucking wreck in therapy today. She's said it before and she said it again today, that i have a habit of making rash life-changing decisions. When i reflect on my life i always recognize the dumb decisions, but i've never really considered them rash because i had all these great, well thought out reasons for making them. Something that just hit me today is that all those great, well thought out reasons get made up by my brain after the fact, trying to justify some mental leap i already took. Any time i feel trapped or unhappy i take the first exit that presents itself and then i find a million reasons why i should've taken it all along. It leaves me never processing the original pain. It just makes new pain.

Yesterday i was in the gym and a couple of girls asked if i was okay because i was beating the shit out of the double end bag so violently. My knuckles were bleeding and the finger i injured at basketball was seeing way more punishment than it deserved, but i didn't care. When i got on to the heavy bag i just saw me standing there; i stalked myself and didn't stop punching till the bell. I wanted me to hurt, i wanted to stand over myself, beaten and bloodied on the ground. Sometimes i just feel so fucking angry at myself. And other times i just want to sit on the floor and cry and cry till there is nothing left at all.

Tonight i was calmer, though the heavy bag still got a caning. I might go tomorrow as well, depending on how work goes during the day (i have a meeting with a potential client). I bought a ticket for Kerri Chandler on Friday because i need to dance, i need to get it out. That's the one thing that never fails to put me in a good mood, that always makes me remember life is worth living. When i'm surrounded by the lights and the music everything falls away, it's just me and the beat. I get a feeling not allowing myself that joy over the past year has been a mistake.

I need to write my daily poem. Sometimes that's a giant pain in the ass.
Tags: crazy, looking back

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