drainedYesterday i was in the gym and a couple of girls asked if i was okay because i was beating the shit out of the double end bag so violently. My knuckles were bleeding and the finger i injured at basketball was seeing way more punishment than it deserved, but i didn't care. When i got on to the heavy bag i just saw me standing there; i stalked myself and didn't stop punching till the bell. I wanted me to hurt, i wanted to stand over myself, beaten and bloodied on the ground. Sometimes i just feel so fucking angry at myself. And other times i just want to sit on the floor and cry and cry till there is nothing left at all.
Tonight i was calmer, though the heavy bag still got a caning. I might go tomorrow as well, depending on how work goes during the day (i have a meeting with a potential client). I bought a ticket for Kerri Chandler on Friday because i need to dance, i need to get it out. That's the one thing that never fails to put me in a good mood, that always makes me remember life is worth living. When i'm surrounded by the lights and the music everything falls away, it's just me and the beat. I get a feeling not allowing myself that joy over the past year has been a mistake.
I need to write my daily poem. Sometimes that's a giant pain in the ass.
