amw (amw) wrote,

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This. This is exactly the reason i don't want to work in software development any more.

I've been a little anxious about work over the last couple weeks because i don't have any big projects looming and i have no savings left. We need to make rent. I tried to stay positive, though, and happily i got two callbacks this week. One was a startup with a product that i consider pretty irrelevant in 2010. They wanted to start me on $10ph, which i just couldn't lower myself to - especially not for high-stress work like programming. The other was a job i applied for in early January before i was trying to do the freelance thing. I don't really want a 9-to-5 any more, but i figured i might as well give it a chance - you know, i might go to the interview and love the work environment. Yeah, feel that optimism.

Anywho, one of the requirements of that latter job was to send some example code prior to the interview. I'm going to set aside the rant about how retarded it is to ask for something that for most IT professionals is owned by their employer and go straight into the actual programming rant. Today i sat down at 2pm or something to write a contrived little program to show that i am a kick-ass developer. 4 goddamn hours later i'm still tweaking shit. It took me another 2 hours after that to actually get my head together enough to realize i hadn't eaten since breakfast and was freezing cold and sitting in the dark. Then i started to cry because i was just so frustrated. I wasted almost an entire day working on something that they're going to spend 10 minutes looking at and throw away. Even if it does land me the job i don't know if i want it. This is exactly the fucking reason i hate software development in the first place, because it sucks me into a great yawning pit.

Eventually i made it out of the house for some fresh air. I went to the grocery store to buy some Coke and food for dinner. It snowed a lot last night. The snow plows had gotten rid of most of it by the time i left the house, though there is still slush everywhere. I should have gone out and made a snowman before the plows came. I should have played some music or watched a movie or fuck... anything, anything would've been less depressing than writing and documenting a goddamned proof-of-concept API function. It is so unbelievably fucking soul-destroying. Every now and then i see these six-figure jobs working in a nice high-rise downtown and i think man all i need to do is send off my résumé and put on a suit and i'll never have to worry about making rent again... and then things like this remind me why i can't do it. I don't want to go back to that fucking half-life i had for so many years. I just can't, it fucking kills me to think about. I actually feel sick to the stomach. Or maybe that's just because i ate a crapload of chocolate chips to try get my blood sugar up an hour ago. Fuck, i dunno. Fuck this shit.
Tags: career

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