amw (amw) wrote,

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all i think about right now

I know the things i love to do. I know the things i want to do. I just don't know how to make a living doing them. There's no job for Random Creator, Researcher And Occasional Teacher Of Various Stuff. I know if i put my mind to it i could excel in any field, but i don't want to take any steps anywhere for fear of falling into another rut, just doing a different thing. Something more fundamental has to change.

My mom is currently on stress leave from her work. She's been banging her head against the bureaucratic brick wall for two years and wasn't blessed with the indifference to just shrug and let it go. It finally broke her. My sister gets the same way whenever she is working - so desperately caught up in her bloody-minded perfectionism that she becomes ostracized and ultimately breaks down. It's a pattern in my family. I am lucky that although i am a fierce perfectionist at work i have learned to pick my battles. That said, i do still get sucked in to meeting my own impossible standards. And that's what kills me. I just don't know how to stop.

In a couple hours i will be at the gym coaching a group of survivors of violence. If everything goes well i'll be doing it for the next 6 weekends. I enjoy helping out random newbies who drop in to class during the week, but this is a dedicated social services program that is much closer to my heart. I am happy i have something to offer and i'm really excited at the opportunity. J told me yesterday that this was the first time she saw me smile when i was talking about "work". I guess i should take heed of that; i forget sometimes she sees me all the time so she can notice things.

But you know. It's another thing i like to do, not necessarily a career path. Or is it? There's my paralysis. I'm too scared to commit. Almost every time i've made a big decision in my life i fucked up and ended up worse off than i was to start with. I think a part of me feels like as long as i still view everything i love as a "hobby" then i'll never have the chance to fuck it up. I can take it easy and not have to fall into the trap i do with my day jobs. Of course that doesn't solve anything because when reality comes crashing back i'll be forced into a day job that takes so much out of me i'll lose the energy to pursue my "hobbies" anyway.

Blar i'm not thinking straight. Need to get dressed and go.
Tags: career

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