amw (amw) wrote,

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cuter than elmo

Yesterday i became a permanent resident of Canada. For the first time since 1997 i no longer feel bound by having to return to Australia to survive. It's been such a long and painful road that going in to sign the final form yesterday seemed a bit underwhelming. Now what? I don't feel much different. Maybe when my Canadian green card comes in the mail and i can travel internationally it'll sink in. Though of course by then i'll need to send off my passport for renewal anyway. What the hell - now i'm trapped in Canada! Eh.

I continue to be a barely-employed bum. Monday i had a promising meeting with a local startup that i think i'd be a perfect fit for. It'd be pretty straight down the line software development, but they have a great business plan and are open to the idea of me working freelance/part-time to start and seeing where it goes. Being able to build a cool web app from the ground up actually appeals to my creative side too, even if i will be spending most of my time in an IDE. This is the first IT job i've really wanted in a long time, so i'm hoping they get back to me with positive news. I don't want to have to settle for shitty contracts or (worse) a shitty full-time job just to pay the bills.

The other day something weird happened. I was talking to someone about my stick-figure house tattoo and how one motivation behind getting it was to show off a bit of my lighter side, to have a fun conversation piece and not come across all faux-hardcore with a bunch of tribal work. She's like, no one could ever mistake you for a thug, you're a big softie. For some reason that really bothered me. I don't want to walk around like some retarded gangster kid trying to scare people, but i do feel like people kinda missed something if they look at me and just see a ball of fuzzy goodness. I don't feel comfortable being pigeonholed that way because it creates expectations i don't want to live up to.

I know i always make an effort to be kind and patient, to smile and treat people with respect - even when i'm in a shitty mood myself - but i'm not a fucking buddha. Sometimes i am in a shitty mood and i'm not a nice person. I have a whole fucking well packed full of anger and grief and a million black feelings that apparently don't at all come across to most people - even new people, who i'm deliberately not hiding any part of myself from. Perhaps i got so good at hiding it in the past that now no one can see. But hell, even when i do explicitly share my shit, people ignore it or give a well-meaning smile and move on or whatever. Seriously. I don't want to be all poor-me, but at least acknowledge it, you know? It's not like being this kick-ass awesome person i am now is something i was just born into. It was hard. It still is hard.

Yeah yeah, here i am looking for approval again, whatever. Actually i'm just missing having someone i can talk to who cares about the rest of me.

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