amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

cuter than elmo

Yesterday i became a permanent resident of Canada. For the first time since 1997 i no longer feel bound by having to return to Australia to survive. It's been such a long and painful road that going in to sign the final form yesterday seemed a bit underwhelming. Now what? I don't feel much different. Maybe when my Canadian green card comes in the mail and i can travel internationally it'll sink in. Though of course by then i'll need to send off my passport for renewal anyway. What the hell - now i'm trapped in Canada! Eh.

I continue to be a barely-employed bum. Monday i had a promising meeting with a local startup that i think i'd be a perfect fit for. It'd be pretty straight down the line software development, but they have a great business plan and are open to the idea of me working freelance/part-time to start and seeing where it goes. Being able to build a cool web app from the ground up actually appeals to my creative side too, even if i will be spending most of my time in an IDE. This is the first IT job i've really wanted in a long time, so i'm hoping they get back to me with positive news. I don't want to have to settle for shitty contracts or (worse) a shitty full-time job just to pay the bills.

The other day something weird happened. I was talking to someone about my stick-figure house tattoo and how one motivation behind getting it was to show off a bit of my lighter side, to have a fun conversation piece and not come across all faux-hardcore with a bunch of tribal work. She's like, no one could ever mistake you for a thug, you're a big softie. For some reason that really bothered me. I don't want to walk around like some retarded gangster kid trying to scare people, but i do feel like people kinda missed something if they look at me and just see a ball of fuzzy goodness. I don't feel comfortable being pigeonholed that way because it creates expectations i don't want to live up to.

I know i always make an effort to be kind and patient, to smile and treat people with respect - even when i'm in a shitty mood myself - but i'm not a fucking buddha. Sometimes i am in a shitty mood and i'm not a nice person. I have a whole fucking well packed full of anger and grief and a million black feelings that apparently don't at all come across to most people - even new people, who i'm deliberately not hiding any part of myself from. Perhaps i got so good at hiding it in the past that now no one can see. But hell, even when i do explicitly share my shit, people ignore it or give a well-meaning smile and move on or whatever. Seriously. I don't want to be all poor-me, but at least acknowledge it, you know? It's not like being this kick-ass awesome person i am now is something i was just born into. It was hard. It still is hard.

Yeah yeah, here i am looking for approval again, whatever. Actually i'm just missing having someone i can talk to who cares about the rest of me.

  • the forecast still isn't great

    In the past 2 months there has been about 10mm of rain. Most of which fell at the start of June, before the record-breaking heatwave. In July we had…

  • the forecast is not looking good

    You remember my last couple of photos i posted with me or my bike against some blue sky? Yeah, they're the only couple of days in the last month or…

  • i'm getting itchy feet

    I am ready to go! All of the stuff that i really needed to start this bike tour safely has arrived. The only things i don't have that i probably…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.